Ha, ha...hahahahahahaha

I know, I know...I have gone missing for a bit. Had business to attend to, you know, life sort of stuff.

Well, I hear-tell that a, er, rather small, little man in Southern Cali became the Iranian Bruce Lee of 2005. Apparently the man -whose last name was Italian - works as a clerk at a convenience store. In an act of typically-brilliant idiocy, a would-be thief enters the store late at night. It is, like, his fourth robbery of a convenience store in as many weeks or days. The guy is a loser, I mean he strolls right on in, all casual-like, and you can completely see his face, everything. So we already know innate intelligence was not his Darwinian gift in this lifetime.

As an aside, one of the most blazingly-hilarious movies I have ever seen is, "Clerks." It is a cult classic - love it. Anyhoo, so Mr. Italian Iranian martial arts man - Petrossi I think his name was - has had training in five different styles and holds the highest degree belt or whatever for each one. Well this guy, I kid you not, drops into his fighting stance and goads the dufus with, "You want the money? Come and get it."

I can only assume that following an unintelligible exchange that requires subtitles, the thief tries to flee. But Mighty Mouse will not stand for it, nope. The man literally comes up behind the thief as he is running out the doors of the convenience store and full-tilt-boogie Bruce Lees the guy, in the back, with a flying chop-sake move that seriously would make Chuck Norris feel...inadequate.

I felt a thrill course through my body, recalling the excitement of the Shao-Lin Warrior show at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center five years ago. It was so rad. And the guy, well, he flies onto the parking lot basically using his face as a brake, rolls once, and then again before again jumping up and running.

Oh crap, Steven Segal had better get his claws into this Iranian dude because this guy, I'm telling you, will be the revival of ANY fading-into-middle age wannabe martial arts movie star's career. And he looks so dang natural doing it.

But the fun did not end there. Nope. You see, Mr. Mighty Mouse, he had his cell phone...with a camera in it. So while thief idiot is laid out, he snaps his now very eggy-face AND the license plate of his car. The police retrieve the plate number and BOOP thief man goes down.

Now you know that in prison, that boy will never hear the end of that. People will tear him up all in the name of martial arts. So for those of you out there who think "That stuff doesn't really happen like in the movies." You had better watch the ABC clip 'cause it was truly live.

Mr. Mighty Mouse could definitely have handled the situation from another show I watched last night: "Into the Lion's Den," an Animal Planet spectacle that had previously aired on Discovery or TLC, man I had to laugh.

See, in this show some guy decides he wants to see if he can get close to wild lions without, well, being eaten. The theory was sound: "We can live with lions. Their ferocity, while not a myth, is simply a matter of respect and speaking their language." Cool and correct.

But just before the show starts, there is this freaky disclaimer to the effect, "These are trained professionals. Do NOT attempt to do what they are doing on your own."

Ok, I am ALL for animal respect. Anyone who has read my work knows how much I respect the DISTANCE between myself and bears, cougars and, yes, coyotes. Hell, a raccoon could give me a good run for my money if it was dark enough.

With all due respect to Discovery Channel/Animal Planet attorneys, I have no burning desire to go and see if I can hang with the homies in the pride on the veldt of South Africa, thank you very much. So this guy spends three months trying to get close to the lion pride without becoming mock-antelope tartar.

He was successful, but again, I was baffled by the disclaimer at the beginning. And then I watched with amusement and amazement as the man's compadre helped him execute practice "in the wild" scenarios with his caged furry friends who had never been trained.

Depends would have a whole new market for would-be adventurers who step outside the bounds of rational thought and decide to go hang with the pride knowing it would most likely prove fatal...one day. For some of us, one day within a foot of a lion's face would be sufficient to induce a heart attack.

But I'll betcha Mr. Mighty Mouse could do a kick or two and lay low "Big Boy," the main antangonist of the pride. Yessir, that little Iranian martial arts sensei would surely give that big cat a run for his money...and then he would shoot the picture. Smile!