conduct a thorough study of many sources, and seek the assistance of a medical professional before using any infomercial health care products.

According to Christian Evangelist, Daniel Viera, who has scoured the bible for shit related issues and come up with the Almighty Cleanse, on autopsy, John Wayne’s body contained forty pounds of feces, Elvis Presley’s body sixty pounds, and the rest of us are probably packing at least ten pounds of contaminated, smelly, disgusting feces. Mr. Viera (I find no evidence the Mr. should be Dr. but will change this if any one else finds documentation of a degree) says if you are not producing well-formed stools after each meal, you are most likely a walking vessel of fecal toxicity. I have to admire a man whose conviction to shit allows him a jovial, hopeful tone while discussing this subject in all its gory detail.

After watching the Almighty Cleanse infomercial, the fact that his eighteen-year-old son has never seen a physician or dentist or taken any medication was the only credential I remember hearing Mr. Viera present. However, I admit my gagging and giggling distracted me from factual matter of the discussion at times. I hope someone does produce documentation of Mr. Viera’s connection to the medical profession; otherwise, his claim of having removed ungodly (pun intended) amounts of black, truck-tire-consistency fecal matter from colons gives me the creeps.

Per Mr. Viera (and possibly the bible), the common, pencil-thin stool indicates a coating of toxic stool in the colon prohibiting passage of well-formed stool, and fewer than three bowel movements a day is dangerous. Mr. Viera frowns on laxatives that produce watery bowel movements, and has developed the Almighty Cleanse to promote his favored process of cleansing – frequent, well-formed, thick stools.

I believe there is validity to Mr. Viera’s claim that most Americans do not move their bowels often enough. Now that I have poked fun at his Almighty Cleanse, I will try to be fair by posting a phone number should anyone want to order his product (1-800-541-4910). Please do not accept this as my endorsement of this product. My suggestion to anyone who feels full of shit is to conduct a thorough study of many sources, and seek the assistance of a medical professional before using any infomercial (biblical endorsement or not) health care products.