a glimpse of me in my continuing struggle to become my better self. ...

note:
on October 23 , 2007 Tuesday at 3P.M.my father left to be with God for good. it happened just a few moments after I said goodbye to him on the phone... he was in Roxas City, Capiz, I was in Guadalupe, Cebu.

MY CONTINUING STRUGGLE

“I learned the truth at seventeen ,
that love was meant for beauty queens …”
so goes the familiar lines of a popular song
that hit the airwaves when I myself was a teen .

This feeling of not being good enough
could become so real,
sometimes
no amount
of well meaning assurances
could ever negate it.

The need to belong ,
often drives one to seek
peer acceptance
at all cost.

What a big difference
would it have been
if the young could unburden
what’s bugging them
without triggering
the usual torrent of adult “sermons”.

My kids would noticeably back off
when I start to rationalize too much.
They share more of their thoughts
when allowed to be on nonjudgmental grounds.
They are more open to correction
when they feel they are loved no matter what .

The stakes are high,
we could not afford
to drive away our children
into the arms of bad company.
BUT what a continuing struggle indeed ,
for a person as moody as me .

You see, I blew it --- big time ,
during my daughter’s 9th birthday .
And I still cry tears of remorse
whenever the memory
of what transpired
comes back to me.

We were having lunch then
when in exasperation,
I snapped irritably
at my near 90 year old Father.

Why? All because
he told me not to spend too much
on unnecessary things.
Meaning : not to bring so much goodies
every time
I visit him --- My Father.

Yes, My Father ---
who sacrificed
everything
so that his children
might have all the best
that is within his capacity to give.

I knew my Father meant well.
Yet before I could make amends,
I reacted adversely
to observations
my younger sister made
regarding my way of parenting.

I ended up
taking it out on my teen son,
which left
my bewildered birthday-girl crying .

I stormed up the stairs
and found myself
seeking Jesus for solace.
I was so sorry that my words have hurt my old Father.
I was so miserable that I have hit my teenaged son.
I was also very angry .

After what seemed like eternity,
my two children came in
and we cried as I asked for forgiveness
about the way I reacted .
We hugged
and then we cried some more.

That afternoon,
my daughter’s birthday party
which was held in my brother’s place
made her really very happy.

My Father , though visibly hurt,
waited for me to return home.
He told me that if I am hungry
he would cook for me
my favorite dish
of sautéed kidneys with greens.

Though full from the birthday bash,
I did not have the heart to decline
and hurt his feelings some more…
So fighting back tears of remorse,
I watched him cook
And eat I did,
a whole dish full.

My silent way of saying :
“I am sorry, Father.”

My Father’s silent way of saying:
“ I have long forgiven you,
and will always love you,
my most temperamental daughter.”


Through it all ,
I felt Jesus
with us…
within us…
hurting with us…

forgiving me…
understanding …
rejoicing

in His gift
called
LOVE. .

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam
Copyright November 28, 2001 Nellie Sonido Feng