“The Participial Adjective Part of English”

   I’ve always found the I-N-G words in English grammar rather annoying and bothersome. Of course Gerunds are I-N-G words that look like verbs but act like nouns in sentences.  For example the sentences “Skating is fun,” “My favorite sport is skating,” “I like skating” and “There are many moves in ice skating” show the Gerund skating as a subject, as a predicate nominative following a linking verb, as a direct object following an action verb and as an object of the preposition “in.” Gerunds only occasionally give me a hard time as in the cases of me not wanting to own a lightning rod out of fear of being electrocuted or me wondering in which direction a newspaper heading is actually heading.

   The I-N-G ending (or Present Participle) words that behave like verbs occasionally give me a hassle. I sometimes speculate that “mowing lawns” could cut me up pretty good and that “pet grooming” advertised on a sign makes me think, “I don’t want any pet grooming me!” I mean “painting houses” could change your skin color in-a-hurry and “hearing aids” sounds plenty more dangerous than H-I-V. Revolving charge accounts can make you dizzy if you watch one long enough, and I often wonder if fencing companies sometimes abandon using sabers and instead fight with swords?  If an idea is swimming around in my head, would I then be a candidate for contracting water on the brain? Incidentally I believe that eating crow is for the birds, particularly the buzzards, but I prefer telling the truth while standing up rather than lying on the ground. And how could a person ever be caught throwing a tantrum unless the spectator knows exactly what a tantrum looks like and how much it weighs. And once at a circus sideshow I was gullible and paid a dollar to see “the man-eating crabs” only to walk into a back room and see a man sitting at a table eating crabs.

   Sure stupid jokes can be made by inter-playing ing verbs but it’s when the Present Participle is used as a Participial Adjective that my patience and tolerance are absolutely tested to their limits. I mean how would you like to go into a large contingent of stores and have to compete with a shopping mall. And why don’t hunting lodges walk around in the middle of the forest with loaded shotguns? Astronauts have to worry about being wounded by shooting stars and museum visitors often must duck down when entering a shooting gallery. And baseball umpires occasionally have to call a sliding board or a sliding door “Out” at second base and heaven forbid if you intrude on and embarrass a dressing room. And in my home’s kitchen I always keep my head away from the chopping block and I often question why smoking chimneys never get cancer or emphysema.

   And to really aggravate me about Participial Adjectives, parking lots make it difficult for me to find a place to put my automobile and I don’t desire to be maimed, mutilated or injured during TV breaking news. And I feel extra tall when in the presence of a shrinking violet and I wish I had a local planning board on my wall so that I wouldn’t have to think about what I had to do next. And quite confidentially one of my biggest apprehensions is to be consumed and incinerated by a burning desire.

   These troublesome Participial Adjectives are both abominable and horrendous! How come swimming pools are never seen doing the breaststroke out in the Atlantic? Naturally I fear being gulped down by drinking water and I don’t want to be threatened or molested by drinking cups. And besides that remote possibility, driving rain doesn’t even have any steering wheels and speaking of driving (a Gerund here), I make it a habit to stay out of the passing lane (Participial Adjective) because I don’t want to get run-over by part of the highway. And despite how intelligent they may sound writing tablets still require the use of pens and pencils and in addition they should never be swallowed.

   And how come running water has no feet let alone legs? And how come the school cafeteria ladies are never serving tennis balls? And why does my living room make the other parts of my house seem dead? And how come I’ve never been cleaned by a washing machine or defeated by a winning lottery ticket? And how does a student start finishing school? My mother once told me, “You have to look quickly or else you’ll miss seeing the vanishing cream!” and I remember my sister once saying, “This gusting (Participial Adjective) wind is totally disgusting!” (Participial Predicate Adjective)

   Other relevant questions often confound my cerebral functioning (Gerund). Do printing specialists also know how to write in cursive? Why do citizens participate in elections if we already have voting booths to do the job for them? And why do hospitals need surgeons when they already have operating rooms and operating tables? And did you ever cower away from the idea that a hanging basket might actually strangle you? And just think about the poor innocent Mesopotamians that were lynched in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon even without the essential services of hanging judges, who might have also been suspended from ropes in the Hanging Gardens! And why don’t flying insects require pilot licenses when flying humans do? Can fishing boats really catch tuna all by themselves and can Mexican jumping beans pole vault too? I wonder!

   These very frustrating I-N-G Participial Adjectives can easily drive an emotionally disturbed person to the brink of insanity. A paranoid college student might never take a test next to a copying machine out of fear of getting caught in a scandalous cheating incident and I never show my novels to employees at bookkeeping companies because I’ll never get my hard covers or paperbacks back.  And I can tolerate my telephone answering machine until it begins to challenge my statements and then defiantly answers me back. And I definitely avoid tanning salons because when I was young I once threw a football and broke a window, and my father tanned my hide pretty good. Once I eavesdropped on a conversation between two meeting rooms and when I go to Atlantic City casinos I pick up bad habits from gambling devices that coincidentally have had one of their arms amputated. And moving vans are still called moving vans even when they are parked or when they are stationary at a red traffic light!

   Over the years I have learned to stay away from practicing physicians and dentists because I don’t like any rank amateurs experimenting on me and recently, I have mastered the art of running (verb) away from walking (Participial Adjective) pneumonia.  And I was recently shocked when I drove by a local manufacturing company because I had formerly believed that only people made and assembled things. But my biggest concern is not getting (verb) my legs mangled when ambling (Verb) by the area bowling (Participial Adjective) lanes. That kind of bowling (Gerund-Object of Preposition) is not up my alley!

Jay Dubya (author’s initials)

John Wiessner

January 15, 2005