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Living with an addict.
One of the most difficult situations a parent faces is when a child suffers from alcoholism. Of all the dreams parents have for their children, chances are alcoholism isn’t one of them. Only a mother understands the pain she feels watching a child die inside. And even worse are the feelings of helplessness. Sadly we learn there is nothing we can do to get our child to quit drinking before they are ready.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse never better. Once the disease has been established there is no turning back. Alcoholics try different methods in an attempt to control their drinking; they drink only beer or only wine. They try drinking only in the evenings or on weekends. They go to any length to control their drinking to avoid giving it up entirely. Alcoholics are convinced they cannot live without the alcohol. They are addicted; they are dependent. An alcoholic deprived of alcohol can seizure or in some cases die. Watching a child suffer this way is more than a parent can handle without help. But thank God there is help.
The first step is realizing the alcoholic has a disease. The American Medical Association recognizes alcoholism as a disease that can never be cured. The drinking starts out as a crutch, an escape from life’s problems, but over time becomes a dependence that controls and destroys. It helps to treat the alcoholic as you would a friend who has cancer. Compassion, not anger, reaps huge rewards. Unfortunately the alcoholic lives in denial. Alcoholics have difficulty admitting defeat. The first step for the alcoholic is realization of the problem and a willingness to get help. Unfortunately for the family only the alcoholic can make the decision.
It is possible for family and friends to delay recovery by persistently trying to get the alcoholic sober sooner than they are willing. Many well meaning parents have prolonged the drinking due to excessive nagging, blaming and scolding. Vicious cycles are created out of love and fear. A mother cries and begs her son to quit drinking. Instead of quitting he drinks more from the guilt he feels over his mother’s obvious disappointment. Alcoholics love excuses. Give an alcoholic an excuse to drink and watch him drink. Not because he wants to, but because he has to.
The next step is to admit that you are powerless over your child’s drinking, just as the alcoholic is powerless over the alcohol. Once you determine there is nothing you can do, you will be better off. It sounds harsh to say you’ll find happiness by refusing to help your child, but by refusing to help your child you are actually helping him more.
We all have a God given path we must walk. By refusing to allow your child to walk on his path you are interfering in God’s plan. Children must learn to suffer the consequences of their own behavior. If parents are pouring liquor down drains, bailing kids out of jail, paying expensive fines and covering up, the child isn’t forced to suffer any consequences, therefore not learning from the mistakes he makes. These behaviors will continue until you as a parent step back and put the reigns back into your child’s hands.
Boundaries are important. It’s your right as a parent to enforce house rules. If you choose to have an alcohol free home and your child decides to drink, it is okay to tell the child to find another place to sleep. Handing the child a sleeping bag and pillow with directions to the local lounge chair by the pool is acceptable. At first you might cry yourself to sleep, but over time you will experience a freedom like never before.
Why should you stay up all night wondering what the alcoholic is doing downstairs? Who’s to say they aren’t going to drink themselves into a blackout, leave a cigarette burning on the sofa, and burn down your house. Too many well meaning parents suffer daily from a child’s drinking because they were afraid to upset their child.
Guilt must become a four letter word. As a parent no matter how responsible you might feel for your child’s drinking, it is not your fault. You are not to blame and you are not responsible for getting them sober. Your only responsibility is taking care of yourself. Think about it, you’ve spent years ranting and raving, crying and grieving but to no avail. Not one bit of your pity party made a dent in your child’s drinking so why not try another approach. You won’t be labeled a bad parent turning the focus from the child onto yourself. In fact, overtime, it could be the best parenting decision you’ll ever make.
Here is a list of don’ts: don’t nag. Don’t pour alcohol down the drain, it is a waste of money and the alcoholic will only find a way of getting more. Don’t provoke the alcoholic to anger. Alcoholics love to drink their anger away. Don’t do for the alcoholic what the alcoholic should do. Taking care of another’s responsibilities only sets up a bad habit of allowing the alcoholic to permanently neglect personal responsibilities. Alcoholics are liars whether they mean to be or not. Believing their promises is futile. It’s a good idea not to. If you do threaten or set a boundary, stick to it.
Here is a list of dos: if you want to help your alcoholic child, focus on yourself. Learn all you can about alcoholism. Stay in an attitude of love and compassion but remember you must also discipline. When engaged in conversations with the alcoholic keep it simple. Talk about the weather or let the alcoholic lead the conversation. Start developing a safe relationship with the child. An alcoholic is much more willing to approach a parent who isn’t going to attack. Children crave protection no matter how old they are. Be a safe haven for your child. And learn acceptance. The easiest route to freedom is accepting other people exactly the way they are. By accepting them you quit trying to change them. It doesn’t mean you have to suffer abuse. Remember those boundaries.
And remember to pray. No one is capable of coping with everything life has to offer alone. Without God’s help we fail before we ever begin. Start by thanking Him that you’ve been spared this debilitating disease alcoholics suffer with daily. You too could be just as downtrodden as your child. No one is better than anyone else in God’s eyes. We are all equal. Ask God each day what you can do for your child or better yet what He can do for your child if you get out of His way.
The more you turn your child over to God, trusting that He is able to take care of him, the easier it gets. Practice makes perfect. The first step is to believe. Trust that there is a God who can heal your child and restore you to sanity. And remember, you are not Him. You are not God and He doesn’t need your help. God knows what your child needs better than you do. Daily give your child over to the care of God and go take a walk, read a good book or eat a hot fudge sundae. God is in control and He loves your child more than you do. Picture your child resting in the palm of God’s hands and leave him there.
Occasionally it hurts. Some days it hurts badly. You might even cry. Go ahead. Then take a deep breath, put on Pavarotti, and let it go. Never give up hope, without hope we would die, just remember life happens in God’s time. And He always knows best.
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I am not an expert on alcoholism, but I think your writing shows passion, love, caring, tenderness, and can offer hope to so many.
stop into my authors den when you have a chance and let me know what you think of my work.