If Martha Stewart lives in a trailer park ...

Poor Martha Stewart.

America's wealthiest home economics instructor has been beset by so many woes in recent times, from an infamous stock scandal to being portrayed by Cybil Shepard in a TV movie.

She still has her television show where she offers interesting tips on such things as how to make a meat loaf sandwich and turning horse apples into decorative table settings. To say she's fallen on hard times might be a bit extreme, especially if she landed on her bank account. But Martha has seen some of the sheen come off her image.

So it wasn't surprising to learn that circulating on the Internet, which is known for its accuracy and reliability, new Martha Stewart tips especially for those of the redneck persuasion. Now, I'm not sure how Jeff Foxworthy is taking to this infringement on his territory. In fact, some of the alleged Martha Stewart tips for rednecks might actually have originated with the comic who made being a redneck chic.

Anyway, not too long ago, I received an e-mail featuring Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks. I won't vouch for their accuracy, but I thought a few of them were worthy of sharing and decided to add a few of my own.

For example, Martha says (or "sez." if you prefer):

· It's tacky to take a beer cooler to church, even if there is a softball game after services.

· It's rude to shoot at people in your front yard without first identifying them.

· It is considered polite to offer to share your Copenhagen or Skoal with your date. It is considered impolite to ask for a smooch while you still have a dip between your lip and gum.

· Do not burn rubber while driving in a funeral procession, especially if you're driving the hearse.

· At a four-way stop, the vehicle with the biggest tires has the right of way.

· Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

· When entertaining in your house, the guest gets first pportunity to lick the serving spoon.

· Do not let the dog eat from the table, no matter how good his manners are.

· Livestock is not considered an appropriate wedding gift.

· It is poor form at a wedding to ask the bride out on a date.

· A six-pack and a Moon Pie do not qualify as a six-course meal and dessert.

· Vienna sausage is not a food group.

· Clipping your toenails at the dinner table is inappropriate. Biting your toenails anywhere is inexcusable. Biting someone else's toenails is just plain weird.

· No matter what, do not clean deer in the living room, even if you promise to spread out newspapers on the floor.

· Leaving car parts in the kitchen sink is not a good idea. However, car parts on coffee tables do make interesting conversation pieces.

· Velvet paintings of Elvis, The Last Supper, Dale Earnhardt or of animals playing poker can turn any trailer into a showplace, especially if lit with a blacklight.

And, finally,:

· Duct tape can be used to solve any decorating problem.

Thought for the Week: "Man cannot live by bread alone. That's why there's bologna."