Have you ever wondered if your husband is really listening to you? Is he able to "connect" with your thoughts, ideas, dreams and visions? The answer is there is good news in that this is relatively easy to resolve.

Have you ever wondered if your husband is really listening to you? Is he able to "connect" with your thoughts, ideas, dreams and visions? Many women express a sense of frustration in the realm of communication with the one to which they have committed to spend their lives. Left unresolved, that frustration turns to irritation and an emotional separation can begin to unfold. What's wrong? Is it her or is it him? The answer is actually both and the good news is that it is relatively easy to resolve.

As a counselor that has worked with many couples, I find that one of the greatest problems experienced by spouses is a misunderstanding of male-female differences as it relates to communication. It begins with a grasp of the differences in how men and women love. Simply put, men love physically and women loves emotionally.

From the male perspective, this means that physical intimacy is the deepest level of affirmation a wife can give to her husband. When she gives herself to him physically, it is a gift that speaks volumes as to his perceived worth in her eyes. But, sexual intimacy for men tends to lack preparatory romance and verbal interplay not because men don't see the need for it, but because they are not "wired" to do so.

For women the deepest level of intimacy a woman can receive from her husband is to be loved emotionally by him. This means that sexual intimacy for women is not first on her list - it's somewhere between number four and ten on her list of ways of meaningful affirmation. Emotional intimacy involves romance and a deep verbal connection. Tragically, men aren't wired that way. How do we address this dilemma created by this common male-female difference?

Actually, the resolution is fairly simple - she has to tell him what she needs. I know the romantic notion in our contemporary media today leads us to believe that he should be able to read her "signs" and appropriately respond without being told. In actuality, this is a figment of our imagination! Because he doesn't need affirmation as she does, he has to be told or he will never know. We can teasingly say that men are "dumber than a bag of rocks," but it's not true - they need to know and the only way they can know is if they are told.

I know this crushes the fairy tale that he should be able to look into her eyes and instantly be witness to the environs of her soul, thus making an instant "soul mate" moment. I also know that it's painful for women to hear that they have to bear the responsibility to tell him what is needed - it's so "unromantic!" The result of telling opens the door for receiving more affirming expressions of true love than can be imagined if the following steps of revelation are taken.

What are the steps to take? These three suggestions should help open the door to a dramatically fulfilling relationship.

1. Write out what you need from him. If it is written, there is less room for misunderstanding. If you need more of his time, tell him. If you need him to help with the housework or the children, tell him. If you need him to debrief his every day with you, tell him. If you need him to do more romantic things with/for you, tell him. We're not condemning him for his past failures; we're just inviting him to share in deepening the relationship which can be to both of your benefit.

2. Clarify what you write. If you need more time from him, it needs to be as clearly defined as possible. Do you want a half hour each evening alone where you can share your daily experiences together? Do you want to leave the kids with a sitter and go out for a romantic dinner once a week? Do you want to take an ocassional weekend away together? The more you can clarify your expectations for him, the better he can create meaningful ways to respond.

3. Persevere. Recognize this will not happen overnight, but like all good things, will get better with practice. Sometimes the expectations will need further "tweaking." Work together to share what you're thinking and seek his ideas as well. You'll find he'll have some wonderful thoughts as he has time to reflect and consider the possibilities. Actually, men know this is important; they just need help to know how and what to do. And, keep affirming him each time he's "on track." He won't know if he's meeting your needs if you don't.

Finally, don't be afraid to share what's on your heart. Don't hold the frustration inside. As you share and he works to meet your emotional needs, you'll find your communication will deepen and that deep desire for a "soul mate connection" as espoused in the movies will actually unfold. It doesn't just happen; it takes work. But the investment rewards are immeasurable and fulfilling!

(c)2006 Mel Menker

All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author.