“Fall seven times. Stand up eight.”
Japanese Proverb

My personal journey through hell began in October 2013 when my father told me he was getting married to a woman he had only met in person for the first time that day (after three weeks of online courtship) and I had to get out. This even though he had previously assured me that the house was and always would be mine as far as he was concerned. That engagement didn't last long when he discovered that her son and grandson were living with her. Then he met the woman who would become his “pseudo-wife” (married but not legally) in December and she systematically began winning over the family. Except for me, as I had a bad feeling about her from the very beginning.

Christmas that year was a defining moment in my life. My friend, Beverly, had invited me to Christmas breakfast with her family and some friends. I accepted though I was nervous about going. Beverly, after all, is part of one of the county's most respected families and her sphere of friends were of the same upper echelon. But I went and was pleasantly surprised when I found myself fully accepted and what I had to say genuinely welcome and respected. Beverly later told me that some of them even thanked her for inviting me! Afterward, feeling like I was glowing with warmth, I went home and went to the family Christmas dinner. Needless to say, that experience was a polar opposite from the breakfast. I was not accepted at all. In fact, the reception can only be described as cold. My entire family was there except for my youngest brother, Jason, and his wife. The only person in attendance who would talk to me was my middle brother, Mitch. Everyone else pointedly ignored me. When I made any comments I was given a cold stare then dismissed without a word. Needless to say, I didn't hang around.

Eventually, after several more months passed and the “pseudo-wife” continued her insidious damage to our family relationships, I performed a background check on her and I was proven right in my suspicions, but the knowledge cost me dearly. When she found about it, during a vicious row with me, she gave my father an ultimatum...her or me. He chose her and I was given three weeks to get out. I had nowhere to go, no money, and very little support because with the exception of Jason, the entire family, both immediate and extended, turned their backs on me. I was scared, to say the least.

My name had been on the list for government housing for months so the first place I went was to the housing authority. I explained my situation and asked where I was on the list. The woman at the window didn't say a word. She simply turned, took a piece of paper from a file on the wall, and handed it to me. It was a list of homeless shelters in Knoxville. At that point I went from scared to terrified. I continued searching for somewhere to go. Several people told me to call a certain large church because it was known for generously helping people who were in dire straits. They even bought cars for those in need so they could get to work and take care of their families. So I called them. Only to be told that I was too much of a “risk” and that they couldn't (read: wouldn't) help.

Without a doubt 2014 had become, hands down, the worst year of my life. I'd lost my home, my beloved cat and dog, and finally even my family. Thanks to a compassionate landlord, I barely avoided homelessness and finally moved into an older mobile home in a quiet mobile home park far out in the county without having to pay any of the upfront costs normally incurred in moving into a new home. He generously even allowed me to pay the first month's rent when I got paid three weeks later. Unlike the church that had denied me, he is a true Christian who walks the walk as well as talk the talk.

But, my bad luck held as the very first night, the a/c unit caught fire. Luckily, it was quickly extinguished and it was repaired just enough that I'd have heat in the winter. My landlord provided window units and for the rest of the summer it was fairly comfortable inside the trailer.

As the days grew colder, heat of course became paramount, but the unit still wasn't running as well as it should, and there were a few times when I wasn't able to pay the power bill. As a consequence it would get very cold inside the house especially when the temperatures got down to the 20s and 30s. One night, because I didn't allow the faucets to drip, the pipes froze and burst so the next morning I had no water. It was like the hell that first began to take over my life in October of 2013 just would not let go!

But life began to smooth out a bit with the new year.

In January 2015, I had stroke. It was a lucky stroke for two reasons. First, it was very mild and left me with little residual damage. Secondly, and most importantly, during the course of the testing afterward a cerebral aneurysm was discovered that I was told later would surely have killed me. So strangely enough my luck began to change with that aneurysm. I underwent surgery to repair it and after that there were few new traumas, just the inevitable acceptance of and healing from those I'd experienced in the past year and a half. To date, there haven't been as many traumatic events and I've learned to move on from the things that cannot be changed. I've grown and been made stronger, more tensile, as time has passed.

I have endured.

c. 2024