The average American's Bill of Rights

1. You have the right to pray to any God if you believe in one. The government will not get in the way unless some anal people get involved. You can say or print any stupid, idiotic thing you want, but beware, someone may beat the crap out of you or sue you for doing so. The press can say or print all the incorrect, left-wing, and liberal untruths they want and to spin the truth to fit their agendas. You and all your drunken friends can gather together peacefully and make complete fools of yourselves. You may piss and moan to the government any time you want something free that other taxpayers paid for; this includes the big-screen television you bought while you were on welfare.

2. You have the right to shoot yourself with the gun you purchased illegally at the monster truck show. You can blame someone else when you do something stupid, like letting your child get shot with the gun you did not protect them from. You can go out and kill animals to make yourself feel manly. You can wear all the camouflage outfits you want. You can have your child wear camouflage underwear if you so desire. You can shoot beer cans off fence posts to make yourself feel like Dirty Harry. You can play cops and robbers with your buddies as long as no one gets killed.

3. While not at war, you will not have to let one of our underpaid soldiers into your rat- and roach-infested home, to sleep on your doggie-toilet carpet and child-vomit-covered furniture, not that they would want to anyway.

4. You can rest assured that no one wants to search your porn collection. Your home (which you cannot find your children in) will be left alone, unless you say something stupid and allow it. Your car will not be searched, unless you forget to put out your joint or that white powder still hanging out of your nose. Your body, which has not been bathed in days, will not be searched. No one will take your stuff, unless you break one of the 150,000 laws on the books in America. For the government to violate these rights, all they have to do is have probable cause; which means if you eat the last donut at the donut shop, you are likely to go to jail later that day.

5. You can take this right to court with you as a get out of jail free card if you are in trouble with someone else. You do not have to admit that you broke one of the numerous laws that no one knows about anyway. When your partner in crime gets caught, you can use this right to send him up the river without telling on yourself. This right says that a group of morons like yourself will have to fry you in serious crimes, unless you can get them to think you are the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, or the devil; in that case you get to go to happy land and take drugs all day. You can only be tried one time for each stupid thing that you do. You can only be electrocuted for killing your wife one time. No one will kill you, steal your precious lava lamps, tie you up in chains, or hide you in a closet without following the law. No one will take your stuff, unless they say they need it or the local shopping center will pay your officials more tax money; in this case, you will receive pennies on the dollar for your stuff.. This right is shot to hell if you are in the military; in that case you are just screwed.

6. You have the right to a speedy trial. Speedy means two months for a traffic ticket, one year for molesting one of your dogs or pigs, and two years for using your second right to shoot someone. You have the right to be publicly humiliated due to your idiotic actions and to have your bad name hit the media faster than steam starts coming off of cow manure. You will be judged by another group of cow-tipping friends or neighbors in the state and area where your trailer is parked (wheels on or off). You have the right to know why you are behind bars, as if you did not know already that you did the crime; which is possible due to the number of laws we have; no one could know whether they were breaking one anyway. You will get to see people that tell a better lie than you do, as they make you look like a fool, whether you are guilty or not, which you probably are. You can get all your drunk, toothless friends to come to the trial with you and lie about what an upstanding citizen you are. You can use taxpayer money to provide a lawyer for you who does not care whether you fry or not, because he will be twenty cases past yours when you meet your first prison boyfriend.

7. In a crime valued at over $20, you have the right to be judged by the same group of drunk, wife-beating, powder-snorting, upstanding citizens who live near you, as mentioned in your earlier rights. Once this group of anal, politically correct, racially motivated, uneducated people have decided whether you can continue to freely be dumb, no other court can put you through this embarrassment again; unless they want to alter the law or use a loophole to do it again.

8. Since you are broke, this right is pointless but states that you will only have to hock your trailer to get your bail money to get out of jail. They can only squeeze so much blood out of a rock, so they cannot fine you more than the cost of a carton of cigarettes, unless it is a serious crime like putting up yard-sale signs. Your punishment has to be fair according to the way the judge or jury feels that day; if the judge has a case of green-apple splatters, you are going to the chair for stealing that beef jerky and six-pack. No one will make you do any cruel punishment other than going to sit in jail and eat, sleep, and live a better life than the average poor person does in America.

9. You have rights that no one knows yet, which apply to crimes you do not know you committed yet, because your politicians have not changed them sixty-seven times yet, because the U.S. Constitution was written by men who had not lost their minds yet.

10. If a right is not given to you in the Constitution, it does not mean one cannot be made up really fast by the states or other people to screw you over in a hurry. Others have the rights to play with the words and meanings of the Constitution in anyway they see fit. Every right can be slanted, spun, or turned into a racial attack or a civil rights violation in any trial, suit, or news story, as long as someone makes money or gains publicity by doing so. Above and before all else, your right to be an ignorant, foolish, and selfish individual will be upheld if you can say one of your other rights has been violated.

In conclusion, you have to get mad in America to get anything done, because jackasses make the majority of laws and decisions. The average American is too busy leading their lives to bother with such foolishness, but you will have to become one of these jackasses also, or nothing will ever change for the better. People who have nothing but enrichment, notoriety, and selfishness as their agendas are sucking America down a hole. We have to get out there and change the things we disagree with, and it seems the only way to do so is to become what we hate...

Bear Brooks

Author of A Jackass at Every Turn