How my husband and I came to be foster parents, and how our first experience went.

My husband and I decided to adopt because the conventional method just wasn’t working for us. I searched the internet and realized that there were tons of adoption agencies out there, and the cost could run into the tens of thousands of dollars. We were stymied. We wanted to add at least one child to our family, but we certainly didn’t have the large amount of money needed for most adoption agencies, and I wasn’t all that sure about the travel out of the country either.

Suddenly one afternoon my husband called me at work, he had been talking to a co-worker about adoption. The co-worker told him that he had adopted both of his children from the Connecticut Department of Children and Families, or DCF. My husband thought this was the perfect way for us to go, not only would we increase the size of our family, but we would be helping out at least one child here in our own state. I made some calls. Then I made some more calls and after an at home interview we were accepted into the licensing classes for Foster and Adoptive Parents here in Connecticut.

We had eight weeks of classes were we learned not only about parenting, but about some of the problems that these special children from DCF could have. Many have had hard lives right from the beginning. There are some children that are born with drug addiction, or they have been the victims of abuse, neglect, or even some with birth defects. This didn’t sway us from our path. Although we weren’t one of the families that felt we were able to take on a child with any severe disabilities we knew that we wanted to move forward with our plan.

Classes ended and the waiting game began. I called our social worker weekly, if not more often, just to remind him that we were still waiting. Honestly, he must have been sick of hearing from me. Finally though, one afternoon it all paid off. I received a call on my way home from work that there could be a potential placement for us. They had an eight-month old little girl whose foster mother was unable to care for her any longer. This was not going to be a “normal” pre-adoptive placement, but strictly foster-care with the highest level of “legal risk” that there is. Legal risk simply means that the parent, or parents still have all their legal rights to the child.

We discussed it and welcomed a beautiful little girl to our home. It was not exactly what we wanted, we wanted to know that adoption was definitely the outcome, but really who could say no to a baby that needs a home. She moved in and instantly became the light of our lives. She touched everyone that met her, with her engaging smile, contagious giggle and beautiful brown eyes. We were in love, and there was no stopping it. While she was a part of our family she started to walk, and talk and I melted each time she called me “mama” and my husband did each time he walked in to the house and heard “dada”.

We were by no means having a smooth time with it. Some of the visits with her mother left me pulling my hair out, she would put her in clothes that didn’t fit, feed her foods that were inappropriate. We documented everything and tried to help the state build a case for termination of the mother’s rights. Each time a court date approached we grew tense and tried to make sure the baby didn’t feel that pressure. Each time though, nothing happened, or moved forward in the way that we wanted. DCF finally came to me and told me that it looked like our baby was going to be returned to her mother. I was crushed and started writing letters. I wrote to the judge, the state, the attorney general and even the Governor of Connecticut trying to make sure that this child was well represented in court. He attorney visited us one time in the eight months that the baby lived with us, and I still to this day to not feel he represented her well.

All of my actions got me nothing but a subpoena to appear at the hearing. I took the day off from work and went to court confident that all would go my way. We didn’t even get to see the judge before an agreement was worked out that would send the baby back to her teenage, pregnant mother in twenty-four hours time. I was devastated as I walked out of the courthouse with all the dignity I could muster and went home to cry. When DCF came to pick her up I was nearly inconsolable, but on some level I knew that we did everything we could for that little girl. We also were quite clear in the fact that if she ever ended up back in state care we would welcome her back with open arms.

It has been over a year since the baby left and I have to say I have had a lot of time for introspection. My husband and I have both realized that we were being somewhat selfish about wanting to keep the baby for ourselves. Although her mother is young it has become clear that she is more than able to take care of the baby. We will always miss her, but we are happy knowing that we did everything we could for that little girl for the eight months that she lived with us and we hope she has a wonderful life living with her mother.

The goal of a foster-parent is to care for a child when the parents are unable to and reunification is most often the goal. Being a foster parent was one of the more rewarding experiences that we have had in our lives and we hope to help more children.