Recently, I made a trip back East to New York City to attend my aunt’s Memorial Service, and the experience hit “home!”
Being a child of the Bronx and Manhattan, my emigration to California over three decades ago, definitely came with culture shock, but my most recent relocation to the East Bay (Berkeley aka “Bezerkeley”) fleshed out stark bi-coastal differences in social environment and interpersonal communications that are worth screaming about!
For example,
NYC–You make friends on the elevator. I stayed at my ex-roommate’s apartment on Central Park West and ended up stuffing three crinkled post-its into my pocket with names, addresses and phone numbers. Three days, 9 rides, 12 floors.
East Bay–No phone number unless you OCCUPY the bank, post office, street corner, or even Trader Joe when it refuses to take Fiji Water off the shelf.
NYC- The subways are a miraculous social network–Getting lost is the best thing that can happen. People will scramble, if not trample each other to assist. And you’ll find your pockets bulging with more names, addresses and phones.
At my aunt’s Memorial, I had a reunion with my Performing Arts High math teacher, and she brought along a friend. No sooner than I offered my arm to her companion who was pushing 85, I found another pocket to squeeze in her contact information. She even offered her East Side place for my next visit. (Not three days back in California, I received a long distance phone call confirming a vacancy)
East Bay: No bed, no breakfast, no nothing. Downtown Berkeley has room for one more homeless person and a seat on the endless, friendless BART.
NYC: The ‘Y’ gym on West 63rd is another great hangout! Free coast to coast passes–no hitch in obtaining a clean towel or amiable directions to the women’s lockers. In fact, getting lost in the maze of work-out rooms and machines is another valuable opportunity to make new friends.
The East Bay ‘Y’– An instant death sentence. Once inside the Women’s gym, it’s solitary confinement. No eye contact! A smile is a vampire threat! Talk to yourself for relief, and risk being hauled out as a psycho!
WARNINGS!
1) PLEASE RESPECT THE NO CELL PHONE AREA 2) AND ABSOLUTELY NO PASSES to Albany, Oakland, or any ‘Y’ gyms in the area. Pay up or go back to where you came from! (O.K. I’ll book the next plane to the Apple!)
NYC: Getting together with a friend is as easy as one-two-three. Example: “Meet me at the coffee shop on Amsterdam in twenty minutes.” (a done deal)
East Bay: It’s three years of strategy planning without a clause to reconnect during your lifetime. Anything sooner is a “boundary” violation. (Try going for Mediation, or better yet, Meditation) Light a few candles, smoke weed, intone a Buddhist mantra, and believe in cosmic Karma.
My first house guest, (after 18 months of back and forth text-ing) confided that her appearance was “ephemeral.”
“Don’t think I’m coming back. That way you won’t be disappointed.” Her house-warming plants died on the vine.
NYC: Your friends will wine and dine you with unswerving generosity. And they’ll often cook up a storm, serving you spoonfuls of home-cooked delights.
East Bay: Your eating companion, who turns up 9 months after a hypothetical dinner outing, brings a calculator to the Bengali restaurant to evenly divide the tab.
(She forgot that you treated at the last ancient meet-up)
With her signature BEZERKELY AGENDA, she mega-NETWORKS the whole time, collating foot massage flyers for you to post around the neighborhood.
“Hey, how about us bartering a big toe rub down for life-time piano lessons?”
“NO thanks! I’m pre-OCCUPIED!” (Need to practice!)
NYC: Performing opportunities may be sparse but no one will ask you to play Chopin and Mozart for free amidst clanging silverware, a drone of meaningless, high-decibel banter, and Atheism forever toasts!
East Bay: Expect to be drowned out GRATIS!
From Sanity to Insanity
The Last Lap
NYC: Going to the airport for California departure brings good wishes from elevator friends, the doorman and street cleaner. Even the garbage men and fruit cart pushers give a warm, Big-Apple sendoff! East coast thumbs up, Peace, Goodwill, and God Speed.
East Bay: SFO arrival. Where’s the baggage area? No help in sight, No pockets to stuff with names and phones, NO Super shuttle! Icy stares, OCCUPIERS everywhere!
Rent control people screaming, “I hate landlords!” Landlords raging against the Rent Board. An avalanche of hate! A round of gunfire! Revolution now! Che Guevara!
Geezus! I’m way safer in NYC under Bloomberg. So when’s the next Apple-bound jet? I’ll call the lady who offered me her place on the East Side and firm up my reservation a.s.a.p.
