There is a question that is often asked of people. Whom would you most like to meet? Because I have never been able to answer the question when asked, I pondered it for many months. I thought of all the answers people most often give, God, Jesus, Gandhi, and numerous other well-known beings both living and deceased. As for God, and Jesus, I believed that I had already met them both and they were in my life on a daily basis. Therefore, I continued to ponder the question thinking of all the people who had ever lived that were known to me. With each one I considered, I asked the sub question, “How will meeting this person improve me or my life?” The answer was always the same; it wouldn’t change anything for better or for worse.
For me finding an answer was almost as important as finding the answer to the global question, “Why are we here?” I continued through the list until I was struck by an eye opening realization. The person I would most like to meet and spend an evening with was, "me." Who else could make more of an impact on the person I was or could become than myself? If I could see myself through outside eyes, I could see the person I convey to the world and decide if that is the person, I want to convey. I went to work immediately to set up the meeting.
I scheduled a quiet evening with myself and although the story is that people who talk to themselves are crazy, sometimes a talk with your self is necessary. I began by asking a few background questions, things like where I grew up the kind of childhood I had, etc. As the evening progressed, I moved to more personal question, like religious beliefs, political affiliations, and all the reasons I had for holding these beliefs. I found that a few times I became very defensive and closed-minded when offered alternative views. I began to get the impression that I was a very odd person. I was open and very likable during trite conversation but when it came to discussing important matters, I would either close up or become irrationally passionate regarding my own views.
I also discovered that I tended to be a bit judgmental of other people, looking for and picking out the tiniest flaws. I was gossipy and found delight in the misfortunes of people I thought were my enemies. I had only spent a few short hours in the company of this person and was seeking a way to end the evening. I no longer wanted to see the person the rest of the world saw, she was not who I thought she was, and I wondered how it was she had any friends at all. Yet I continued the evening because I knew that if I did I would be able to rid myself of these horrible characteristics and become a better person.
I have heard that we are our own worst critic; the reason for this could be that we cannot spare our own feelings with lies as we do the feelings of others. I pointed out my bad traits without mercy and although I tried to defend myself for how I behave, I found that my protests were weak and useless. I was relentless as I pointed out my own errors in judgment, the mistakes I had made throughout my life that had been emotionally harmful to not only me but to the people I had loved as well. I asked myself who was I to look for the flaws of others, had I forgotten that I held no higher place in the grand scheme of life than any other person who walked the earth. I realized that I did these things from a sense of self-deprecation. I felt so unimportant that I sought ways to feel important and if I could point out to others their shortcomings, I had power.
I spent several more hours shredding the views that I had spent so many years developing. I took myself to a bare, naked page and began to rewrite my persona. I made me compassionate, understanding, and accepting of others. I became a person who would attract people not push them away. Who would stand up and be a light and a help to those who needed help. Do I have pride now? Of course I do, but not the kind of pride that is selfish. Am I more relaxed and happy? Absolutely, because I no longer burden myself with the ridiculous tasks of gossip, or ridicule. I often think back on that night and the meeting I had, and how an evening with me changed my life.
