To date, the vast majority of radio interviews I've done about my book, ufo's, and alien abduction have been great, positive experiences. This rant is not about those.
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06/01/04

Today I was fodder for hostile DJ's. Two interviews--five hosts, four major idiots.

The first interview was with a threesome from some crapola sports show in Atlanta, GA. One of those guys was a "true believer" in aliens and the world ending in 2012 and blah-blah-blah. He defended me, which was fine. The other two? ... Not so much. One guy just couldn't get past calling me a liar. That was fun. I didn't play into their little show at all; I kept my cool, rolled with the punches, and made jokes about me too. Yet and still after a short interview I heard a gunshot blast sound effect and was put on hold where the producer told me the interview was over. I was pissed. I wanted to go out guns a blazin'. I wanted to give a little something back to the idiot DJ.

For whatever it's worth, Mr. DJ, your producer agrees you're an a-hole. Also, if this is a get-rich-quick scheme on my part, it’s the slowest road to quick riches ever. To date, I have only lost money on this venture and will be ecstatic to just break even. In fact, I’ve given more copies of my book to radio talk shows than I have sold to radio listeners. Where’s the quick? Where’s the rich? What’s that scheme again?

The second interview was phoned in to a station in Las Vegas, Nevada. If ANY state is going to take this topic seriously it's going to be Nevada. You know: home of Area 51?

Instead I was greeted by two flaming queens who wanted to make anal probe jokes and, basically, call me a liar.  Apparently nobody gave them the memo that more people in this country believe aliens visit the earth than believe homosexuality belongs on the moral high ground. Being an abductee, and being friends with people all along the sexual spectrum, I have no choice but to understand that both abduction and homosexuality are legitimate. I don't have the luxury of ignorance. It just fascinates me that two flaming stereotypes who make a living ripping off Howard Stern could EVER think anyone is full of shit. 

Take off your Marilyn wig and look in a mirror. Wait-wait! Put it back on! There…that’s it… Oh, yeah! (Huh? Am I still writing this?—CRAP! IGNORE THIS LINE!)

When these DJ's ask me why aliens don't land and I regurgitate my spiel about how these beings are translogical and humans, on our best day are logical, therefore they look illogical to us because we have no reference point for them other than our own limited expectations--that they don't directly, openly communicate with us because they can't--it's not exactly what they want to hear. I know this before I even open my mouth. One would think that if I were lying about being abducted to get famous I would, say, I dunno...for instance... MAKE SOMETHING UP THAT IS RADIO-FRIENDLY.

This is the problem: The topic is not conducive to good sound bytes other than jokes or fear.  Part of what I wanted to do with my book was penetrate the pop culture landscape with something that looked as phony as said landscape, yet is essentially true . I wanted the book to act as a virus in the societal machine.  I figured that by looking the part of a vapid moron I could charm my way into some hearts and open some minds. But really I fell into a trap I wrote about in the book, which is that the ego will do anything to survive. Psychological self-preservation means you don’t even allow for the possibility that your worldview is wrong. Alien abduction isn’t just something that changes you a little, it shatters you completely. As long as it remains “out there” as a speculation for you to have an opinion about, it’s not real. It’s just something to talk about, make fun of, etc. But when you meet someone who is like you and seems honest and open and is telling you, No. this is real. Not some intellectual exercise—it’s really real, well that eats away at your sense of self.

We don’t like questions, most of us, we like answers. Having the answer means being right. Being right justifies our existence and so there’s no need to question. It’s all so very shallow and delusional. I knew that when I decided to take this plunge into so-called fame (infamy?) I’d be going up against “true believers” and “true disbelievers.” My mistake was in thinking that if I were presentable enough I wouldn’t have to go up against them. I thought maybe we could commune.

Oops. Better luck next book. Maybe next time I’ll write about dead guys who come back to life to save a sinning populace. That, apparently, is all too plausible. People from another planet entering our lives, well… that’s just plain silly.