little mz. know-it-all lives on

The Perils of the Personal Ad

Go ahead, I dare you, ask Mz. Conduct: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

I’ve come to the ultimate conclusion that many men are just plain misinformed as to how to initially communication with women. To help all you men out, I’ve composed my top ten list of what NOT to do when responding to a personal ad. This is if you’re at least considering finding someone you want to actually meet, and not send screaming into the streets.

I deem myself worthy to do this, well, because I can and because I have my very own tiara and porn star lipstick.

Mz. Conduct’s Top Ten List
What NOT to Say/Do when Responding To a Personal Ad

1) Speak clearly, preferably in English, although throwing a little French in -- only if you really know it -- is always acceptable. Refrain from whispering and/or trying to sound sexy. It just sounds like you’re jerking off or something and we hate it.

2) Be sure you READ the ad. If it says someone likes to bungi jump, don’t tell them you are hoping for a bridge partner.

3) This is a biggie, boys. Refrain from saying that you are “attractive” or how many others think you are. That’s entirely subjective. I mean, it’s nice that YOU think you’re attractive, but Christ on a crumpet, the girl may think you look like poo-on-a-stick. Plus, it’s just freakin’ annoying.

4) There’s no need to give a complete resume¢ either. It can be somewhat interesting that you’ve spent the last six years working in the Yukon with only a box of toothpicks and a handwarmer, but we don’t need the entire experience.

5) Keep it fairly short and don’t keep repeating the same thing. Practice your speech beforehand so you don’t seem like an Alzheimer’s patient.

6) For the love of labia, do NOT explain how big your penis is! Don’t say things like -- and I’ve heard every one of these -- “ I’m extremely hung and have never disappointed anyone” or “ I’m nine inches of love muscle” or “I‘m very well endowed.” UGH! It doesn’t really matter how big you are if you look like you were just cast as a hobbit.

7) Don’t try to sell yourself; if we women wanted a sales pitch we’d go to Sears and hover around the appliance section. One guy actually announced -- after saying he was only 5 feet 6 inches tall-- that he’s “better for stand-up sex.” Oh mama help me, like that’s what I’ve been waiting for, some damn good stand up sex, just lookin’ for that short guy, and voila here he is!

8) Please, oh please don’t say that you like “long walks on the beach” for gawd’s sake. Again subjectivity enters. Big time. I’m sure you would want to be elsewhere if you were on a “long walk on the beach” with a chinless, zit-faced creature who’s snatch smells of a washed up mackerel right? Well, the same goes for us.

9) Go easy on the cologne and only apply if it costs over sixty dollars...we can tell you cheap ass s.o.b.

10) Lastly, if you have a freakin’ comb-over, don’t even bother calling. Go directly to a barber and have him shave your head bald. There, so much better! Do you honestly think some woman would want to run their fingers through your four strands of greasy, foot long hair? I think I’m going to hurl just thinking about it. You should know that comb-overs just scream: Bowling Champ of the Seventies, Trailer Park Janitor and/or Kiddy Diddler from Des Moines.

Okay, now I need that girlie with the onion ass and knee socks to skip on over to the bar and whip me up a stiff one... and a very dry martini as well! Are those olives in your blouse or are you just glad to see me?


Dear Mz. Conduct,

I've been married for almost one year, and my husband and I have been together
for a total of four years. The problem is that my husband masturbates all the time. He has done this since I've known him, and at first it was kind of a turn-on, but now I am repulsed by him and it.

He masturbates when he gets up, after work, before bed, and sometimes in the middle of the night. The worst part is that he does it right beside me in bed. This hurts me on so many levels. I've tried to talk to him and explain how this is affecting me, but he says I'm the one with the problem.

Otherwise, he treats me great. And besides this problem, our sex life is fine, and we
really do get along well. But I'm finding that whenever he touches me, I cringe. I am at my wits' end. Part of me is thinking about a divorce over this. Can you help?

Ill in Illinois
?

Dear Ill,

I wish you had explained to ME why your husband’s schlong stroking “hurts you on so many levels.” I almost launched my good gin across the room and if you were here, I’d slap you until you loved it. Semen on a saltine woman, he’s not whacking his weenie in the kitty litter isle of the supermarket, or pounding his palm at your auntie’s dinner table, so what’s the deal? It sounds like your hubby has a good strong sex drive and if I were you, instead of lying there next to him in the middle of the night, sobbing with self-pity for who the hell knows what reason, I’d jump on that thing! Why do women take it personally when a guy masturbates? Yeesh, it’s just what guys do and if I had that hunk of sensitive flesh hanging between my legs all day, well, let’s just say I’d be dangerous. I agree with your husband, it’s you that needs to shape up. If you don’t want sex that often -- some of us have more libido in their loins than others -- then maybe you should help him masturbate. You should try masturbating more yourself and relieve some of that pent up stress you seem to be carting around. If you’re taking medication that hampers your sex drive then maybe you should look into alternatives.

Contemplating divorce is about the goofiest thing I’ve heard since Dick Cheney auditioned for the tin man in the Wizard of Oz. Worship that working appendage for all it’s worth and quit being “repulsed,” you repulsive, frigid, blow-up doll.


Dear Mz Conduct,

The last party I was at, I was helping my girlfriend’s roommate puke outside at 3 am. When I ran back in to grab my girlfriend, I saw her in some other guy’s arms, making out like crazy. Later she tried to apologize and said that she was just trying to get back at me -- earlier that night, I overslept because I’d been out drinking with my buddies and I was late to the pre-party. The problem is that I still love her. Whenever I see her face, I just melt. I want to forgive her, but on the other hand when I think about what she did, and more importantly, why she did it, it makes me sick. I don’t know whether to forgive her or not. What do you think?

Forgive or Forget


Dear FF,

Perhaps a week without alcohol would clear your dirt clod infested brain and make you realize just what a childish ordeal this was. “Oh no, should I forgive her...oh I can’t believe she did that...oh boo hoo sob sob.” Kill me now. If I wanted whine, I’d order it and have you pay, but it’s morning and my decaf with soy is banging me on the head, telling me what a dolt you are.

Big freakin’ deal mister. So your girlfriend smooched up someone else. You were all at a party and having fun. Lots of alcohol will loosen the inhibitions. I mean, she couldn’t smooch you, you were helping out the puking friend. She couldn’t smooch the puker either because that’s just gross, so she smooched someone else. Get over it! Sometimes a girl just has to smooch, besides you can have ‘one in the bank’ to use for yourself if you’re ever in that position, which of course you will be at some point, because you’re HUMAN! Personally I’d like to smooch your ass with a telephone pole just for being so high and freakin’ mighty.

I suggest that the two of you watch one of my favorite movies (do it, I said so!), “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” and see the fabulous parties that Audrey Hepburn continually throws. Absolutely everyone is smooching everyone!

Lose your insecurities like a saturated tampon and move on mister.


copyright 2001 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez

as previously printed in SFX Men’s Magazine www.sfx.sfxmag.com

scroll down to rate