sticky sweet syrup o' love

“I know everybody here wants you. I know everybody here thinks they need you. I’ll be waiting right here just to show you how our love will blow it all away.”
Jeff Buckley

Write Mz. Conduct, the bohemian bad girl, for answers to all your pleasure perplexities at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

The Transient Trollop and her Gay Man with Toolbox are plotting a marriage... to one another! He proposed to her, albeit over large amounts of whiskey, but it looks like it’s going to happen anyway. They figure that they don’t like anybody else but each other and wearing wedding bands would get them laid more often. The Transient Trollop insists on cheap gold bands from Wal-Mart for the fruitful event. The Transient Trollop is a catch in my book, so is this gay pride or what? Bless the buttplug and get the confetti, I may have to be present for this one!

The Yum Yum boy and I went down to Infinity Tattoo where Paul, the owner of the best tattoo parlor in Portland, crafted a fabulous winged heart right above my butt crack. It took about an hour and a half and turned out painfully pretty. He was just finishing up, and as I straddled the stool, he told me to hang on one more minute, as he had a little mess to clean up back there. I immediately blurted out “Oh I’ve heard that before,” which made the shop chuckle with undue surprise.

The Lion King and I went down to the county courthouse and picked up a set of divorce papers for each of us. We knew our spouse’s wouldn’t get around to it and we were just trying to get the ball rolling, as it’s only been over a freakin’ year since I’ve been single! We laughed at how if it wasn’t for either of us and our raunchy rendezvous during our marriages, we wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place. And how funny it is now that if we did get re-married it sure wouldn’t be to each other. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it’s not the reason you may think at the time. We celebrated by having cocktails of course.

My fab new roommate, the Distinguished Deviant, went on a trek to southern California last week. Upon his return, he brought me the sauciest of sauciest attire. A tiny, red, vinyl skirt that zips naughtily up the front. He told me that when he laid eyes on it, it screamed my name. The Lil’ Princess and I wedged my ample ass into it, laying on my bed and laughing so hard we almost peed our panties, if we had had any on. Back to the gym I go starting tomorrow, honey!

The Yum Yum boy whisked me off on a spontaneous sprint to the mountains. Dark and chilly, we found a great, old logging road with not a soul around for miles. We built our campsite by flashlight and a fine fire it was, in more ways than one. We played word games, shared dreams, and bashed our heads together accidentally while freaking out over where we put the vodka. We drank Absolut and cranberry juice until five in the morning. He and I finally keeled over in the cold night air only to waken to the sweltering sun on our naked bodies in the afternoon of the next day. Salacious sex occurred promptly. We decided to continue this evil-slated escapade and headed to the coast. The next night we drove for miles on a gravely, windy road until we found a perfect place to camp next to the roaring Nehalem river. Lust was in our loins once again, but this time there were children down the road. As the Yum Yum boy banged me into oblivion and I screamed my usual Tarzan thrills, no words of discipline said, he simply shoved my head into the sleeping bag and held it down. Now that’s my kind of man, baby!

Awkward, embarrassing, oh I don’t know, maybe just a typical Mz. Conduct moment that this was; I had gotten some pictures back from one of those disposable cameras I had been carting around for eons. A couple of pictures were on there from last spring, as I had shots of all my fab birthday flowers and such. But when I was showing the Yum Yum boy the ones I took of him there surfaced a shot of a man’s wet penis tip through some Calvin Cline’s. I told him I didn’t remember taking that of him and he calmly reminded me that he doesn’t wear that type of underwear and that was not he. Oops. The only thing I could soberly remember is that perhaps it was an old Lion King picture. With that in mind, I brought it to him, laughing at my stupidity and telling my silly story. The Lion King looked at me and said that it wasn’t him either, as he never had a pair of those underwear in his life. Ooops again! I thought I’d better just toss the picture in the trash, as I’d done enough damage already, and leave it be. It must’ve been the Boytoy Bitch, thinking back, and some things are better left in the trash.

As I sit here and treasure how good it finally feels to have a beautiful boy adore me and not want to change one thing about who I am, nor I him, I know that Guttersluts may not go to heaven, but I’m almost sure that is about as close as one wicked little wench will ever get.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I have a friend who I care about very much. This girl is nineteen and engaged to a guy she’s never met outside of prison. It was one of those online/prison things and although she’s visited him since, I feel protective and uneasy about this. I also have a buddy in the same prison and he told me that this guy she’s involved with is a real asshole. He’s not due to get out for eight more years and she seems absolutely dedicated to this jerk. She won’t date anybody else and she sits at home and writes to him, consumed and obsessed with only him. My question is how can I tell her she’s throwing her life away waiting around for this dude?

Prison Blues

Dear PB,

Chill out baby. I realize that you’re concerned about your friend, but don’t sweat your nutsack off. She’s freakin’ nineteen years old and I’ll bet my thigh high boots (and no way I’m losing those!) that she’ll grow up and have a revelation of reality before too long. I’m guessing that if the prisoner in question has eight more years of time to do, he’s no knight in shining armor, anyway you look at it. The best thing for you to do is to continue being her friend, suggest fun outings and leave it at that. If you try to persuade her that this guy is no good, it’ll only make you look like the bad guy in her eyes. Believe me, I was nineteen once and trying to talk me out of something only fueled the fire... hmmm some things never change. Don’t worry though, this will.


Dear Mz. Conduct,
How would my wife and I meet other couples that are interested in swinging? We’ve had some experience with this before but it never seemed that anyone we met was interested in much of a relationship. We’d like to develop a good friendship as well as a sexual one. We are in Oregon and wondered if you had any suggestions.
By the way, we love your column!

More the Merrier

Dear MM,

I would go online and check out some Yahoo groups like the Ace of Hearts Club and Oregon Sex Contact ("http://www.oregonsex.com"). There are many people in the same lust boat as you two. As a matter of fact, I will be writing for a new branch site of Oregon Sex Contact coming this September. Also there are some decent polyamory sites as well, such as Portland Polyamory. You can meet online first and find others who are searching for the same particular thing instead of just hooking up with some random swingers. Many of these groups have smaller groups within themselves and have developed very good and real friendships. Go forth and multiply!

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez