La La La Labia

“Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization.”
--Marquis de Sade

Send me your sneaking little suspicions, your head-scratching gender gems, your queer little questions... and Mz. Conduct will answer all. Grit your teeth and bare it baby (pun intended)! Write me at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com.

The Transient Trollop has again relocated her svelte buns to a cooler locale. She’s already nailed a guy on the plane ride, joining the Mile High Club along with yours truly! She clandestinely slipped in a date with a chiseled-faced lawyer at the airport while her ex-boyfriend retrieved her luggage, and already has a cute little parking attendant on hold. We deviously desirable girls do need attending, and often, and preferably by someone who knows how! She’s stranded in a state where there’s no lottery, so I must start playing for her, she says. Our plan, if I win big, is that she’ll get a laser-peel and I’ll pay off the collection mongers and then we’ll jet off to Paris... just to shop for a weekend!

My Blue Sky Boy sped off to New Orleans for New Year’s Eve and, to my surprise, came back engaged to the girl of his dreams. When I first saw her picture, she looked almost exactly like him! Well, as I always say, if I could clone myself, I would; I do so understand the mirror-like attraction. She’s moving here soon and he promises that she will like me too… all of me. Something about ‘when I see her tongue’. Hmmm... that should be quite the ménage’ a twat to look forward to, and, but of course, daahlings, I will report back with sordid details!

One foggy, crisp evening last week, I took a beautiful young boytoy out with me to hear my ex-boyfriend’s reggae band. The club turned out to be on the outskirts of town, a small white trash diner. All six members of the band (including the two plus sized women singers) were squashed onto a seven-foot by eight-foot area directly in front of the restrooms. No matter, the band got rocking and before long the toothless patrons were bouncing to the beat of Jah. Red flashing lights went off in the back room and, noticeably, a drooling drunkard won big on the video poker machine. The winning alarm bells mixed right in with the bass guitar. My boytoy and I hobnobbed with the locals and, hearing that the joint had just got it’s liquor license, we just had to sample a few cocktails. They were a little weak, but no worries, we had our flask! My legs had been crossed too long and I made my way to the men’s bathroom. I chose to straddle the urine-splashed room because a congregation of hair-hoppers and gum chompin’ bimbos were lined up from Texas at the women’s bathroom. An inebriated pole-digger made rude comments as I walked in, hey, when a girl has to go. For the most part, it was an interesting night, and where else can you watch Hollywood Squares on a wall-mounted television, and listen to a live reggae band perform, all at the same time?

Not Your Average Joe called and invited me to the Ace of Hearts Swingers Club the other night. If I didn’t already have a straight-boy date pouring me oodles of cabernet as we spoke, I would have joined in the naughtiness for sure. But as it was, priorities of pleasure prevailed and I made my apologies to Not Your Average Joe and resumed being pampered by the boy of the evening. He may be straight as an arrow, but so was that ample appendage peaking out of the leather/mesh shorts he wore, as he massaged my barking dogs and kept my wineglass full.

I realized something over the weekend: I can and will never drink Jagermeister again. If I can pull that off then it’ll surely hamper my compulsion to suddenly leave my date at a party at three a.m., in the middle of God knows where, and walk aimlessly for miles, blubbering, in twenty-degree weather. All I vaguely remember is a game of strip rummy, a dozen shots of green evil liquid going down my throat and trying to curl up on a school step somewhere in the hills. It was a crazy thing to do, and my date was furious, as he had all of the partygoers out searching for my leather-clad ass. Fret Boy was also in attendance and almost got into as much trouble as I. He did whip out his big, beautiful guitar and rock the house into a frenzy, then, somehow he slid into a heated debate with the biggest guy at the shindig, covering one of those topics that one should never discuss at a gathering of keg killers. Fret Boy at least got a blowjob and a phone number out of the night whereas I just got a frozen face and a well-deserved paddling from the Yum Yum Boy. Granted, my buns always welcome a good wallop, but not with a hangover, a queasy stomach, and shin splints! Ah, a brand new year awaits, lessons learned and oh so many to come, literally!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

So what advice would you give to a man who loves his significant other but isn't really attracted to her any more? Don't get me wrong she’s beautiful, but she’s boring and I can't get her to try anything new and exciting. I'm only 41 and don't want to hurt her but I need more!

Frustrated and Frisky

Dear FF,

It sounds like you’ve tried to let her know that you need more, but apparently not seriously enough. If she’s really committed to you then she will find something she can do that will please you both. Sad but true , some people are just sexually conservative and need gentle prodding to open their views. I don’t know what ‘new and exciting’ means to you, but if you’re gettin’ all uppity because she won’t strap on a dildo and perform a strip show for your office buddies, or include her best girlfriend in your sexual escapades, then you might as well hang it up now. Subtleness is the key here. I would suggest watching some videos together. Annie Sprinkle (www.anniesprinkle.com) has some fabulous ones that may make your girl feel more confident, more adventurous. I say, take her to a strip club and treat her like a queen and/or watch some soft porn together and then role-play yourselves into a pretend one of your own. You may be sexually frustrated for wild adventures, but if you’re not willing to keep working at it -- this goes for her too -- then quit your whimpering and confront the obvious... have an open relationship.

Dear Mz. Conduct,
I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and have been having an affair with a much older, married woman for a few months now. She now wants me to join her husband and her in a threesome and I don’t know if I should do this. My lover hasn’t even told her husband about me yet because she’s afraid he will be very upset. What should I do?

Girl in a Mist

Dear GiaM,

Well, little Miss Jailbait, for one thing, I think it’s irresponsible of this woman to be having an affair with a minor in the first place. I also think you’re way too young to even be asked to join a married couple in a threesome (pssst! it’s illegal!) This woman, your lover, has been cheating on her partner as well as committing illegal acts with a minor, gee she must be a real peach. Enjoy your youth while you have it and steer clear of this whole shady deal. Always remember lil’ tootsie, never do anything with anyone that you don’t feel entirely comfortable with. Now go yak on the phone with girls your age.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez