Well, he *might* have written it.

The President’s Web site has a speech about Afghanistan and all the wonderful humanitarian work the United States is doing in that country. But everyone knows about the wonderful humanitarian work being done by the United States in Afghanistan. It’s time to stop focusing on Afghanistan. The people of that country are already marching down the road to a bright and glorious future. Let’s talk about some other country for a change.

Here is the text of a speech that Bush was apparently planning to give for Saint Patrick’s Day. However, it seems that the President decided not to give it. On the bottom of the draft speech is a handwritten note: “Mr. President, this speech would be inadvisable at this time. I suggest you throw it out and leak it to some member of the Irish press shortly before the elections. Releasing the speech now would be a blow to our British friends. Yours, Colin.”

Bush’s note below Powell’s handwritten remarks say, “OK, Colin, I rely on you to gauge British opinion. You’re guy with the British name, *Colin.* I’ll take your advice about leaking this in enough time to get some Irish-American votes before the election.”

At the bottom of the page is another handwritten comment, again by Powell: “Well, maybe Colin *is* a British name, but at least I don’t have the same first name as George III, you dillweed.”

“I’m glad to speak to you on this Saint Patrick’s Day. I used to celebrate St. Paddy’s day myself, but that was back when I was young and foolish and associated Irish culture with drinking. I’ve stopped drinking, and I would no longer insult the Irish by celebrating their national day by consuming spirituous liquors. It reinforces all the worst stereotypes. You might as well celebrate Martin Luther King day by listening to all those tapes of his back in the National Archives and having some hooker do all the things to you that he says on the tapes. Not that I ever did that, of course. But I understand that there’s a certain predecessor of mine who did.”

[Marginal note by Powell-“This is technically outside my competence, but this passage is wrong for all sorts of reasons, and I hope you will delete it. And send those damned tapes back to the National Archives where they belong.”]

“My fellow Americans, one of the things the terrorists did to us on September 11 is that they took attention away from one of the worst English crimes ever committed against the Irish people. I refer to the massacre in Drogheda in 1649. This massacre began on September 11-now that’s chilling! By the time massacre was over, the evil Cromwell had killed thousands of Irishmen. I think that the attack on America on September 11 should not blot from our memory the almost equally horrid crime known as Drogheda on the same date 352 years earlier.

“To commemorate the Drogheda atrocity, I have had the State Department [Powell crossed out “State” and wrote “Defense”] special-order numerous Oliver Cromwell chamberpots. You can put them right next to your bin Laden chamberpot, and you can piss into both of them every September 11. Why some damned military officer named Oliver should be able to defy the legislative branch and propel himself into office through a career of breaking the law and trampling on human rights, is more than I can fathom. [Marginal notation by Powell: “What about Oliver North? Do you really want to upset him? He’s been so good to the Republicans.”]

“Another reason to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day is because Saint Patrick is the guy who got the Irish to believe in my favorite philosopher, Jesus. Despite perversions of Christianity committed by villians and fanatics on both sides of the divide in Ireland, I think that the introduction of Christianity into a new country should be a matter for celebration.

“And for those of you who, unlike me, are gifted with the ability to use alcohol responsibly, what better way to celebrate the triumph of Christianity in Ireland than by going down to the licensed establishment of your choice (subject to state and local laws pertaining to alcoholic beverage control) and drinking a health to the good Saint in a glass of good old Irish Coffee!

“I will not stoop to the traditional temptation of American politicians, which is to appeal to the Irish vote by yanking the tail of the British lion. Frankly, since 1941 we’ve had a Special Relationship with Great Britain, and far be it from me to spoil that relationship in a cheap attempt to grab votes.

“Let me, instead, read from the wonderful National Anthem of Ireland. I refer to the Soldier’s Song, written in 1907, with words by Peader Kearney and music by Paddy Heaney.

“I think you can learn a lot about a country by reading its patriotic songs. The snobs among you may ask why didn’t they have W. B. Yeats or James Joyce write the national anthem of Ireland? I reply that at least you can understand this song, while on the other hand the only poem by Yeats that I ever liked was Leda and the Swan. But you can’t sing *that* before every baseball game, can you? Case closed.”

[Marginal note by Powell: “Mr. President, are you sure you wish to confess to reading poets like Yeats and that crowd? It won’t help your image. Stick to country music.” Marginal reply by Bush: “Spoken like a true populist, Mr. Always Listening to Some Bach Cantata.” Marginal reply by Powell: “Fugue, Mr. President.” Reply by Bush: “I don’t like you a hell of a lot either, Colin, but let’s maintain a pretence of civility, shall we?” Powell: “What did I say?”]

“So here are some excerpts from the Soldier’s Song:

“Soldiers are we
whose lives are pledged to Ireland;
Some have come
from a land beyond the wave.”

“A land beyond the wave? Hey, that’s us!”

“...We're children of a fighting race,
That never yet has known disgrace,
And as we march, the foe to face,
We'll chant a soldier's song.

“Sons of the Gael! Men of the Pale!
The long watched day is breaking;
The serried ranks of Inisfail
Shall set the Tyrant quaking.
Our camp fires now are burning low;
See in the east a silv'ry glow,
Out yonder waits the Saxon foe,
So chant a soldier's song.”

[Marginal note by Powell: “Mr. President, there is no way any real soldier wrote that song.”]

“My fellow Americans, all of us are a little bit Irish on Saint Patrick’s day. And let me tell you that, as an Irishman, I would fight the Saxon foe or any other foe who attacks America. Bin Laden has got my Irish up! [“Whatever you say, George. Signed, Laura”] As members of a fighting race which never yet has known disgrace (aside from that brief unpleasantness in Vietnam), Americans should march, our foe to face. And I’m not just talking about pale men, either. Pale, black, Asian, whatever, I don’t care about your background, join the colors and march!”

[Note by Powell: “Mr. President, I don’t think you understand about the Pale. It’s not about race, it’s what your speech has gone way beyond.”]