Americans now can rely on the Israelis to help us negotiate with the First Nations.

One of these days I’d like to open my newspaper and see an article like this:

Israelis Appoint Peace Envoy to North America

The Israeli government today appointed General Shli Mazel as its Special Envoy for North America.

General Mazel said that his mission is to “resolve the tragic dispute between the United States and the First Nations, also known as Indians, concerning the right of America’s indigenous peoples to live in their ancestral homeland.”

“It’s time that both sides in this dispute moved forward in a mutual search for understanding and blah blah blah,” said Mazel, reading from a script, in which the words “blah, blah, blah” were written in Hebrew.

Asked if the United States had invited Israeli involvement in this issue, Mazel said, “this is not simply a matter of internal affairs. It is a matter of human rights and fundamental justice.”

“We have told our North American friends,” said Mazel, “that they are our valued allies, but at the same time we must insist that even our allies act to do justice when needed.”

These has been a longstanding dispute between the United States and Canadian governments, on the one hand, and the First Nations on the other hand, concerning such matters as land, fishing rights, and basically all the other things that the the U. S. and Canadian governments stole from the First Nations over the years. The Israeli government intends to apply most of its pressure on the U. S., in the hope that Canada will do whatever the U. S. does.

As a gesture of confidence-building, Mazel has requested the United States to withdraw from certain First Nation territories and evict the settler population. Asked what territories ought to be evacuated, Mazel was at first hesitant about committing himself, but finally he said, “well, for example, what about Arizona, Wyoming, New Mexico, Colorado and Nevada? That’s only five states-one tenth of the total number of states. It’s not as much as we ourselves have shown ourselves willing to evacuate during our peace process with the Palestinians.”

Asked about the settler population in those states, Mazel shrugged. “The important thing is that the United States have defensible borders,” Mazel remarked. “Withdrawing from the states I mentioned won’t make the U. S. vulnerable militarily. The settler issue is simply a red herring, as the Americans have explained to us who knows how many times when we hesitate to evacuate *our* settlers in the West Bank. The settlers are expendable. They can always move to California or something. Heck, the U. S. is a big country, unlike ours. They have room to spare!”

Asked why the issue of the First Nations in North America should be raised at this particular time, Mazel said, “what do you want to do-wait until those Indians form a terrorist organization and start killing Americans? If you refuse to deal with the just complaints of these people until they resort to terror, you’re setting yourself up for a very bad situation. Believe me, we Israelis know what we’re talking about. If only *we* had done right by the Palestinians when we had the chance, maybe the Palestinians wouldn’t be strapping bombs to their bodies and blowing up discotheques.”

Mazel was asked to respond to an American allegation that the only reason Israel has raised the issue of the First Nations at this juncture is that some of the First Nations were supporting Israel. The Americans claim that Israel is trying to get in good with the First Nations by supporting them against the Americans.

“This is absurd!” said Mazel in response to the allegations. “We Israelis are a noble-hearted, selfless people whose hearts throb at the sight of suffering anywhere. Plus, the Native American Church says that if we support the First Nations against the United States, they will guarantee our army a lifetime supply of sacramental peyote. Somehow, we just couldn’t say no.

“And it’s not like the United States has any grounds for complaint. The Americans are trying to get the support of many Muslim governments in the current war by selling us out. The deal is that the Americans bash Israel, and in exchange the various Muslim governments co-operate in the war against Al-Quaida. Can you deny that this is what’s happening? You cannot deny it!

“And why, exactly, does the U. S. feel it necessary to bribe the Saudis, Egyptians, et. al. to fight Al-Quaida? Surely everyone knows that Al-Quaida is a much greater threat to the Saudi and Egyptian regimes, and other governments of a similar nature, than to the United States. It’s these regimes which should be bribing the U. S. to fight al-Quaida, not the other way around! So there isn’t a shadow of an excuse for the way the Americans are treating us. Not that I’m bitter.”

Responding to American charges of hypocrisy, General Mazel got heated. “They say we’re hypocrites for trying to solve the problem of the First Nations in North America while ignoring the Palestinians in our own backyard. Welcome to our world, Uncle Sam! This is the same criticism we have been making against the United States for years-holding us to standards which you do not expect yourselves-let alone your allies-to live up to. Let me tell you this, you Yankees: If Israel was as big as the United States, and if the Palestinians were as peaceable as the First Nations in North America, and if *our* neighbors were as non-threatening as Mexico and Canada are to you, maybe we would have found a way out of the Palestinian morass by now. Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins. I think that’s a First Nations slogan.”

Mazel has issued a “Draft Outline for a Peace Settlement Between the First Nations and the US/Canadian Governments.” The key parts of the proposal are as follows:

-Recognition of the right of all parties to live within secure borders. “That means that the U. S. and Canada will each be entitled to at least as much territory as Israel has now,” explained Mazel. “The rest is negotiable, and should probably be turned over lock, stock and barrell to the First Nations.”

-Release of all political prisoners. “Free Russell Means,” says Mazel. “Assuming he’s still in prison. I honestly don’t remember.”

-Evacuation of the American West and the resettlement of its inhabitants. Replacement of inhabitants with members of the First Nations.

-Restoration of all fishery rights to the First Nations and the prosecution of commercial fishermen who interfere with these rights.

-Strict comliance by the U. S. with all Indian treaties. “They want *us* to obey all those d___ed Security Council resolutions,” explained Mazel, “so the least we can ask is that the Americans honor their own treaties.”