Eliminate Mondays?

Where do the days come from? Did you ever think of that? You should…

Like Monday, where does it come from, and why? Why couldn’t the week start with, let’s say, Wednesday, or at least Tuesday. Cut off Monday, like they cut off your leg when it’s too blue to save, or like they cut off your cancer if it’s malignant. Except when they cut off your cancer it can come back. When they cut off your leg it will never come back. Why is that? Is this a negative world or what?

Did you ever notice how the negatives work soooo much better than the positives? Just think, you do the positive thing, work hard to earn money. But losing or spending it is the easiest thing in the world. You slave away at your diet to get measly positive results. But gaining weight is as easy as glancing at a donut. The positives are so hard to accomplish. The negatives take no effort at all.

So if we cut off Monday (a positive) it would surely grow back like that nasty tumor. But if we decided to add a day to the week, do you think that would be difficult? Hell no! Corporations and the government would love to have an extra work day a week.

Yes indeed, an eight day week, with two days off.

Same pay of course. Duty to the country in time of economic slump. Congress would jump at the opportunity to legislate an additional day to the week. It would certainly boost the Gross National Product, and improve the protestant work ethic. And unintended consequences would positively accrue. Every month would have four equal weeks, and therefore 32 days. Notice how much simpler remembering the months becomes. “32 days hath September and October and November and all the months the same.” Easier to memorize too.

And wouldn’t this just tick off the French. The French and most of the world gradually cut down on the work week hours. How decadent! We increase ours. Therefore bigger economy, stronger dollar, more profits, bigger bonuses for execs, 14.28 % more to be exact! And wouldn’t that goose the market. The Dow would jump 50% just from the thought of an eight day week.

Since we are the “most powerful nation in the history of the world” the others would soon have to follow. Otherwise the world financial markets would be out of synch. They would have to cave in to our leadership, adopt the eight day week. Except for the French. They would stay put. And soon their calendar would be hopelessly out of synch with the rest of the world. He he.

The longer week would mean a 384 day year. That would be a huge perk in our personal lives. Add 19 days to every year. We would all age 5% slower! To make things uniform going forward, Congress could legislate the new calendar retroactively, and make everyone 5% younger. If you are 40 you would be legally 38. This would immediately delay the looming social security benefits crash and allow at least two years worth of “saved” federal funds to downsize the deficit, or, more likely upsize the spending on the military.

The only hitch I see in adding the extra day is what to name it. Since it would be an American invention and we are at war, and supposed to remain at war for the foreseeable future, we should call it Flagday, or possibly Ameriday. Flagday or Ameriday would come after Sunday, making it appropriately the first work day of the week. And here, dear reader we come full circle to my initial rant, and achieve our goal. We eliminated blue Monday as the first day of the week!

There are all kinds of sentimental speculations that could come forth. Since we are searching every inch of Iraqi dirt for weapons of mass destruction I can foresee the discovery of long lost ancient scrolls which expand on the Bible Genesis story. The “missing day scroll”: And God saw, after sleeping on it, the seven days were still not good. Evil in the world was forming. So He created America, for it to become the most powerful nation in the history of the universe and fight evil. And that was the eighth day, and it was good and He called it a week.

Yes, let’s bring on the eight day week now!



Copyright © 2003 by Andrew Rafalski