One of my best defense mechanisms has always been to hide my true feelings. Over the years, I have worked on this issue but I find that in times of uncertainty I tend to revert back to my old behavior patterns.
I learned this technique for "dealing with" difficult situations very early on. I didn't have the "happy" carefree childhood that some people reminisce about so I had to learn ways of hiding how I was really feeling. I wasn't one of those little girls who smiled to keep from crying. I was a rough and rugged tomboy who has the scars, emotionally and physically, to prove it. I guess if I had a catch phrase it might be "never let them see you sweat." I learned to perfect this in every aspect of my life...work, school and relationships.
Every serious relationship I have been involved in has had to overcome the obstacle of the poker face. I was an expert at calling men bluff when they expressed an interest in me. I was never the first one to fold my cards until I felt that there was no possible way to salvage anything. I kept my cards down refusing to be the first one to expose my hand. I never wanted to be the first one to declare my hand and ultimately there would be a showdown. I either came out the winner or the loser after finally tossing it all in. Sometimes it was too late but other times I found a sense of relief in finally revealing my hand...a heart flush!!!
I usually don't realize I am replaying the same scenario until I am in danger of being exposed again. I wish that I could unlearn my past behaviors in order to be one of those people who reveals with abandon. They seem to get more chances to win instead of having to drag through the same situations continuously. I always say that I will start to take more chances but then I wind up back in the safety of my old habits. Realistically, there is no safety in holding out, especially when you are holding a straight flush. I guess if I play my cards right, I might actually wind up with someone by my side when the chips are down.
i hide my true feelings too, berry; you are certainly not alone in this matter! which is why i write; i can say things in words that i can't say in real life, and writing helps me to heal. good write! :)
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