A shady friend for torrid days is easier to find than one of higher temperature for frigid hour of mind. (Emily Dickinson)

I've always considered myself a good friend. I try to be honest and giving but it seems my actions are often misinterpreted and I've found it difficult to maintain lasting friendships with other females.

As a child most of my best friends were boys. I was a tomboy so instead of playing jacks and jump rope with the girls at recess I would play on the monkey bars or kickball with the boys. My best friends were Alfie, Joseph and Geoffrey. We wrestled, climbed hills and rode bikes while the girls played dolls or high jump. As early as the age of 6 my girl friends I didn't seem to get along as well as my boy friends so I can count on one hand the number of girls I considered best friends back then. Unfortunately none of them are still in my life today.

In high school I started dating boys and hanging out primarily with girl friends from school. It was about the time that other factors came into play. Situations where girls were jealous of who I was dating and minor issues like what group I hung out with for lunch. Fortunately I managed to get through my high school years without getting into a single fist fights, although there was one classmate, who insisted that I stole her boyfriend and she hated me for it years after we graduated.

Throughout my college years I fostered what I considered healthy friendships with women. I don't recall having many platonic male friends because I dated the same man for most of my college years and he was quite possessive. It was ultimately his possessiveness that resulted in our break up. After we parted ways I joined a sorority thinking it would be a good way to develop a strong bond with a group of women. Unfortunately that was not the case and some of my worst verbal altercations have been with women who were supposedly my "sisters".

After college, I moved across the country to attend graduate school and developed a new circle of friends consisting of collegues from my program of study. One of the first people I bonded with was my closest platonic male friend since elementary school. The problem was that Tyrone was something of a lady's man so many of the women in our program suspected he and I of a romantic relationship. As a result I was the target of backbiting and jealousy from my female collegues. After grad school we both went our seperate ways. I still consider Ty one of my closest friends and if we met on the street today I believe our friendship would pick up where it left off.

After graduate school I again moved and slowly built other new friendships. The first friend I made was the niece of my mother's best friend. We've had our ups and downs over the years but we've stuck it out and I admit she has been a "true blue". I also developed a friendship with a young guy who at the time was a freshman at New York University and was struggling with his sexuality and other personal issues. He is an incredibly talented dancer and we seemed to have a connection of spirits. Over the years I've watched him grow and become comfortable with himself as a gay man. It has also meant losing his friendship after fing his mate but I am happy that he is in a place where he is secure.

Other friendships haven't ended as amicably. A girl friend who I had been friends with off and on since middle school was entrusted with the care of my car. While in her possession the vehicle was towed by the city and I was not notified until weeks later by a letter from the city informing me it had been impounded. When I asked her about it she shrugged it off and said it wasn't her fault. She did not take responsibility for what happened, she did not offer to pay to get it out of impound and she did not apologize. A simple "I'm sorry" could have remedied the situation. Instead we abruptly ended our friendship.

Another incident was when a friend of a friend exploded and embarrassed me in front of our collegues. It was a new friendship that she immediately compromised. Even after a cooling down period I have never received an apology. I've remained polite to her, mostly for the sake of our mutual friend, but it was another situation that could have easily been remedied with a simple "I'm sorry I took my frustrations out on you."

Recently, someone who I now consider a former friend sent an email telling me she no longer wanted to be friends because of something that I said jokingly several months prior. I explained to her that the remark was not anything to take seriously and it was not meant to hurt her. I apologized if she was offended by it. She did not accept the apology and instead said that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I again apologized and informed her that I was hurt by her response. She never apologized, did not accepted my apology and she still choses to believe that I meant to insult her. A couple of months later we wound up working on a project together and she called to ask to start over again. I agreed for the sake of the project. She continued her standoffish behavior while we worked together which caused me to see a new side of her. It's become obvious that our friendship will never blossom and I feel fortunate that I discovered this while the relationship was still young.

The primary differences I see between my male and female friendships is that men don't seem to take things as personally nor do they allow personal differences to interfere with a friendship. They also seem not to fester perceived hurts the way most female friends do. If I were to say something out of line to one of my male friends they will immediately put me back into line and I respect that.

Over the last couple of years I have continued to develop platonic friendships with male friends. One of my closest friends is almost twice my age, another is gay and still another is married. These are all men who I consider "safe" to be friends with because men who are dating eligible seem to have hang ups that prevent the closeness that is the foundation upon which real friendships are built. Often they seem to want to take our friendship to a sexual level which naturally creates a new dynamic.

All of these situations have forced me to examine myself and reevaluate the type of friend that I have been to others. I see the bitterness in my former friends who choose to hold on to their anger, hurt and dissappointments because of something that they perceived was done to hurt them. Instead of being bitter I have decided to take a good look at myself and ask myself what I could have done differently. There is a single letter seperating the two words bitter and better and that letter is "I". I hope that each of my friendships can be a lesson on how I can go from being a bitter friend to being a better friend.

Updated: 3/20/02