Gaslighting seems to be the sport of the moment. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, gas lighting is a psychological technique that tries to make its victims feel insecure and doubt their beliefs.
It is defined as “a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making hthem question their own memory, perception, and sanity.” It is emotional abuse. A favorite tool of narcissists, it can be devastating to its victims.
Often used by right wingers who attempt to gain authority over their victims, it results can make its victims question long held values and beliefs. It attempts to give narcissists control over their victims.
Some of the points below may seem obvious to you but may be helpful to others who are entrapped in an emotionally abusive relationship. It is for them I write in hope that my experience may be helpful.
I am suggesting one way of defending oneself that I have recently found effective. Not only does it give a victim a sense of empowerment but can be fun as well. It will require an attitude change however. This change requires that the victims feel a strong sense of value in their beliefs and will not let anyone especially a narcissist create uncertainty by devaluing their beliefs. That they refuse to give up their authority to think for themselves to anyone, no government, no minister, no church, no news media, not anyone, especially to a narcissist.
It seems to me that one way of dealing with a gaslighter is to refuse to accept the validity of their arguments. To remind them that their expectations are not yours. To remind them that you will only live up to your expectations, not theirs. To belittle their points as nothing more than sea foam, all froth and bubbles and no substance.
Does this mean that the narcissist can’t express his/her views? Of course they can! But there is a difference between an honest discussion of differing views and having someone belittle yours by trying to impose their views on you. When they disrespect your views, you still need to be authentic to yourself.
Following is a series of short emails between me and a gaslighter. Both he and I belong to a group that often engages in various discussions on and off line. I have not identified either him or the group which probably observed the discussion.
Below is the original email:
I am doing something I would never do under normal circumstances
I rarely use my credit card online. However, circumstances are if different now. After Senator Susan Collins voted to confirm a serial rapist and a perjurer to the Supreme Court, thus being the determining vote for Kavanaugh, I am breaking my hard and fast rule.
There is a CrowdPac movement to unseat Collins in 2020. This campaign pledges to contribute any money raised to her opponent and unseat her in 2020. So far they have raised almost 3,000,000 dollars. After her vote yesterday, the site crashed from so many contributors. I intend to contribute to this cause.
A couple of people have expressed an interest in challenging her. We will have to see how this all falls out.
I urge you to make this contribution. We need to be heard!
If this works and it looks like it will, we can proceed with campaigns against Chuck Grassly, Mitch McConnell and others whose term is up in 2020. Let’s send these clowns back to the woodwork where they belong.
Below is the CrowdPac site.
Here is the gaslighter’s response to the above email:
“confirm a serial rapist and a perjurer to the Supreme Court”
Thanks so much for the chuckle. It is this flavor of overheated BS that will make the Democrats’ failed smear campaign backfire even more. They seem intent on snatching defeat from the jaws of (historical) victory.
Keep up the good work Mel! We all need a decent laugh from time to time.
“Elections have consequences, and at the end of the day, I won.” – President Obama to House Republican Whip Eric Cantor, January 23, 2009.
My response:
So. You think it is funny when women are raped and abused? Ok……
His response:
Melvin’s last accusation: “So. You think it is funny when women are raped and abused? Ok.”
Did I write that? I definitely did not write what you are ascribing to me. Period. Oh wait…I get it. Perhaps you are, ironically, smearing me for indicating you were smearing Justice Kavanaugh? Well played. I don’t often discern such nuance in your posts but….clearly you are toying with me and the group.!
Melvin, I am going to be kind as, apparently, there are things about you of which I am unaware. While your echoing of the Rachel Maddows of the world inject some levity (perhaps unintentionally) into what is a fairly pedestrian group, there is no way your musings can possibly pass for well-thought out political commentary that deserves serious consideration
and response. I have nothing more to say in this venue. Perhaps post on the... HERE and see how kind they will be. I double-dog dare you.
...
His response to an onlooker’s response:
Smith encouraged: “Hi Mel, Don't worry. I've asked several right wing bullies to.. and they are pretty much cowards. Please keep up the interesting comments and ignore the extremists”
…
To be candid, I am ashamed that this group is so week intellectually. That’s probably not accurate. the pabulum being spewed is probably indicates more about folks’ emotional needs than their intellect. My dad is having good effects with Apoaequorin …so he claims…perhaps some of the older folks or those that cheated on their entrance exams might give it a try.
Either way, in a fair, objective analysis…. some of you seem like….you might be a poser. Letting Mel think he has “sound” arguments that are worth making is….kinda’ unkind. Seriously. Everyone does NOT get a sticker and everyone does NOT get a feel-good trophy. There are some arguments that are “winners” and it is not entirely “subjective.” His rantings wouldn’t stand the scrutiny of a seventh grade civics class….
My response:
In regard to your quoted comments below regarding my writing or intellect, let me say this:
"To be candid, I am ashamed that this group is so week -- don't you mean weak? -- intellectually. That’s probably not accurate. the pabulum being spewed is probably indicates more about folks’ emotional needs than their intellect. My dad is having good effects with Apoaequorin …so he claims…perhaps some of the older folks or those that cheated on their entrance exams might give it a try.
“Either way, in a fair, objective analysis…. some of you seem like….you might be a poser. Letting Mel think he has “sound” arguments that are worth making is….kinda’ unkind. Seriously. Everyone does NOT get a sticker and everyone does NOT get a feel-good trophy. There are some arguments that are “winners” and it is not entirely “subjective.” His rantings wouldn’t stand the scrutiny of a seventh grade civics class.”
Here is my answer to your points above:
I am not in this world to live up to your standards, only mine. Therefore, I am happy about my intellect and don't really care if my standards are not up to the phony and self-righteous standards you hold. Your blow-hard criticism and self-importance mean nothing to me. It will not stop me from expressing my views no matter how poorly expressed.
I am happy that the man behind the curtain has been exposed to be a little gaseous insecure man like the master he serves: Donald Trump.
End of emails.
I have not heard from him since. It’s been a lot of fun!
As Shakespeare said: to thine own self be true and it must follow as the night the day, thou cans’t be false to no man.
Remember that the only one who takes your power away is you.
And, I found that the discourse was quite mild compared to some of the comments I've received amounting to near character assassination. But I am strong and those kinds of blatant attempts to belittle me or make me something I'm not, rarely shake me at all. And, you are right. I usually follow with a very quick comment and dissect whatever argument the troller or gaslighter is making. These combative people tend to back down quickly and don't bother me again.
I am proud that throughout my life I have found that those that are affronted by my outward belief and action often come to admire me and respect me for my candid response and failure to bend to their thinking in an unthinking way. Some of my old accusers have become best friends.
Ron