It’s Christmas time! And as we reflect on the true meaning of Christmas—the birth of Christ, the spirit of joy, compassion, love, understanding, forgiveness and redemption—we must never forget its other true meaning: spending money and shopping.

 Yeah, shopping! That’s really what this holiday is about—spending money and making retailers and their stockholders wealthy.

 This year it’s especially important to shop. The economy is tanking, and if it continues like this, all our jobs will disappear and none of us will have any money left to surrender in the form of taxes to the Tax and Spend liberals in Congress.

 It’s also about you. Do you really want to be regarded by your friends, relatives, family members and enemies as a grouchy, loveless cheapskate who refuses to give gifts on Christmas?

 Hell no!

 That’s why we’re here to help. Brenda Dunagan and I have formed a new company to help you spend your money! S.C.A.M. Inventions, Inc., which we cooked up last night, offers a stunning array of products that already have minimalists, anti-materialists, socialists, commies and global warming proponents ruthlessly stomping over one another in a frenzied rush to spend more and more money.

 So people, here are some of the products we’re offering to help you help keep the economy strong:

Farts to Flowers Sheets by Brenda—It happens to even the most disciplined of us. You’re underneath the sheets next to that loved one or pet and, pffffffffffffff! You let one rip. There’s no shame in it—it’s a natural bodily function—but damn, if you’ve been eating the wrong food, whew! You stink up the entire neighborhood, and that loved one or pet runs like hell. Many people just hold that gas in, squeezing tighter and tighter, all the while creating the potential for some serious internal organ damage and a really messy explosion.

 Well, worry and hold it in no more. Brenda has the product that will eliminate the embarrassment of farting in bed. In fact, this product is so good that it will ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO LET LOOSE! A HAPPY, HEALTHY BODY IS ONE THAT PASSES GAS WITHOUT RESTRAINT!

 These sheets—they’re available in satin, cotton, wool, polyester, burlap and papyrus—have an activated charcoal lining that—you guessed it—absorbs the smell of body gas! Never again will you stink out your partner. Never again will you feel compelled to hold it in. Never again will you be a fart-holder-inner! That, people, is FREEDOM!

 Our winter sheets come with a special, chemically-treated, activated charcoal lining that, when contacted by body gas, produces an exothermic reaction that converts the gas to heat! That’s right, heat in the winter from your own farts! The toxic chemicals on Brenda’s summer sheets reverse the process and produce a cimhehtoxe reaction that turns that gas to refrigerated air! SELF-MADE AIR CONDITIONING!

 But wait, THERE’S MORE! YES MORE! Those toxic chemicals with which we’ve treated the Farts to Flowers Sheets by Brenda will also generate a FLORIFIC ODOR! That’s jargon for saying THESE SHEETS WILL MAKE YOUR FARTS SMELL LIKE FLOWERS! Daisies, roses, dandelions, you name it, you get it!

 And DON’T WORRY. The toxic chemicals we use WON’T KILL YOU right away.

 “I was concerned about bringing this invention to market,” Brenda explains, “because the gas, electric, fuel oil, pellet stove and air conditioning companies will go out of business because people will be heating and cooling their homes themselves. I’m a capitalist, and not very big on sustainability, whatever that is. But then I realized that these sheets give people the FREEDOM TO FART! That’s what America’s all about.”

 The sheets come in one-size-fits-all.

Price: Summer Sheets, $502.13 Winter Sheets, $727.16

Launder No More Unmentionables—Also known as Three-Legged, Six-Day Underwear. This is another product from Brenda’s brilliant mind that shouts loudly and proudly so all the world can hear: Brenda Dunagan cares about making money!

 You damn straight she does. That’s why she developed her three-legged underwear. On a camping trip and discover that you brought along only one pair of unmentionables? Not to worry. Step into these things and you’re good for six days! The three leg openings create three separate crotches. Step through different leg openings each day, and you’ve got a fresh crotch! That means you get three day’s wear out of ‘em! Ahhh, but it’s not over. Just turn these babies inside out and you’re good for another three days! SIX DAYS TOTAL FROM A SINGLE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR!

 Each pair is multi-colored, meaning each crotch and front are colored differently so no one—not even that INTIMATE SOMEBODY—will suspect that you’ve worn the same garment six days straight!

 Here’s the truly wonderful and exciting thing about these undergarments. After being worn for six consecutive days—especially on a camping trip—no amount of soap, toxic chemicals or plutonium will get them clean! So you just toss ‘em! NO MORE LAUNDERING DIRTY UNDERWEAR! No more gingerly digging those mangy things out of the laundry hamper!

 Price: Pack of 12, which is 72 days of wear, $73.12

Loaves and Fishes $10 Bill—Everybody, we mean Everybody is going to want these miraculous $10 bills! Why? Because, like the loaves and fishes in the Bible story, these $10 BILLS MULTIPLY AND REPLICATE THEMELVES! Place the bill on any flat surface, ask it to multiply, and yikearooskies! You’ve got a MOUNTAIN OF TEN-SPOTS!  You’ll want to be careful, though, because if you don’t specify how many times you want it to multiply, the Loaves and Fishes $10 Bill will replicate uncontrollably, and you’ll be stuck with a HOUSEFULL OF MONEY!

 YOU’LL NEVER BE POOR AGAIN! And, you’ll be able to GIVE TO CHARITY WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY that you gave away your liquor and cigar money!

 You’ll have to be careful to never lose, misplace or spend your Loaves and Fishes $10 Bill, because only the original that we send you replicates. The offspring are sterile, so to say, and not imbued with the parent bill’s MIRACULOUS QUALITIES.

 We must CAUTION, however, that the LOAVES AND FISHES $10 BILL will multiply only if you TRULY BELIEVE IT WILL. Only if you have faith! ONLY IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO BE FILTHY RICH! If they don’t replicate and make you FILTHY RICH, it’s your stinking fault.

 To order our Loaves and Fishes $10 Bill, just place $100 CASH ONLY in an envelope and address it to: I’M ENTITLED TO MONEY! P.O. BOX $$$$, MONEYVILLE, USA.

 As soon as we receive your $100 CASH ONLY, we’ll send you one Loaves and Fishes $10 Bill, and you will be a HUMAN MONEY MACHINE!

 Why did Brenda and I invent these wonderful products?

“I thought to myself,” Brenda says, “wouldn’t it be great to make useful products that can make peoples’ lives better—to better humankind?

 “Yeah,” I thought, “that’d be good. But it would be better to make money by doing almost nothing and selling people stuff they don’t need. So that’s my motivation—money!”

 And let our making money be your motivation too!

 As Brenda says:

 “Be a smart feller, not a fart smeller. Buy my Six-Day Undies!”