A review of some of the less noticed news from this week. To 29/02/04.

Well Darlings,

I see in the news that one of the last bastions of the British establishment is about to fall: The Archers (started January 1955 and still going!) are to broadcast a gay kiss. Could it be that, maybe at last, this everyday story of country folk is at risk of becoming just that - an everyday story of country folk? Apparently, Adam Macy and Ian Craig (the new chef at the Grey Gables hotel) will pucker up to each other in about two weeks time.

The build up to this momentous moment, we're told, stems from Ian looking after Adam’s grandfather following the injury he sustained on a pheasant shoot, and then (wait for it!) Adam subsequently saving Ian’s shepherd’s pie from burning! Wow! Some real gripping stuff, isn't it! Reality for real - not! I'm wondering: did they actually pay the writer of this? Or did two secretaries collide in the corridor, papers flying everywhere, and the new Andy Pandy script accidentally became mixed in with this one?

Perhaps, as I haven't listened to this programme for blobby-blobby years, I shouldn't extract the urine from something that now has a cult following - but the thought of missing that burning pie was just too much for me! Convinced that my accident prone secretaries theory is probably correct, I'm now looking forward to the Andy Pandy storyline that has Looby Loo as a lesbian. Well, it's all about equality, isn't it? There must have been a lesbian storyline somewhere!

I presume this 'got to be' mix up of scripts will now let the sadly missed Grace Archer, who must have burnt her strings in that barn fire in which she perished all those years ago (September 22, 1955), completely off the hook. That's sure to come as a relief to some of the listeners! I say this because, back in those halcyon days of grid bias batteries, accumulators and oscillator knobs, my mind's picture of Grace resembled my dear Aunt May - a spinster who had short cropped hair and wore trousers - in those days! Yes, I know that she (Grace) died in her husband's arms - but, given the choice, were they really the arms she would have chosen to die in?

Radio, by its very nature, is so subjective, isn't it? It's all about what you picture in your mind's eye. So how will the easily offended react to this 'slurp' that they will undoubtedly hear? (Ear next to the speaker - cat put out in case it should purr at the crucial moment!) What will these people be seeing in their mind's eye? What will they be imagining? And, more to the point, will any of them dare to stand up and complain - thereby broadcasting to the world their differing and vivid imaginations? We shall see. Meanwhile, I say bring back Mrs Dale's Diary... "It was eleven-thirty and I had just put the pie in the oven for Jim when..."

Staying with old things: I see that Sir Cliff Richard has become 'the ultimate UK pop star' by his single records outselling all others. Now the biggest selling artist of all time he has pushed the Beatles down into second place with Elvis coming in third. Robbie Williams, who only comes in at number 37, is a mere upstart! Nice one Harry! But, now that you've conquered that one, how about moving on to a radio soap? There's some good scripts around - you never know, they could come in Andy! Now there's a thought!

Finally, and still with the mutton: I read that Cherie Blair supposedly told guests, at a Downing Street reception for the homeless charity Centrepoint, that "...charity was very close to Tony's heart because he was forced to sleep rough on a park bench when he first came to London." - So now he wants to be Dick Whittington?

Further research suggests it would (if it were true ) have been around the time that he wanted to be a pop star - anything for the limelight! Of course, some may remember his own story of running away at the age of 14 and sneaking aboard a flight from Newcastle airport to the Bahamas. A story discredited by his father and further proved to be untrue by the fact that there were no flights to the Bahamas from Newcastle in those days!

Danny Kaye did a brilliant portrayal as the lead character in 'The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty'. It's such a shame that he's gone. "The Secret Life Of Tony Blair" would have been a masterpiece for him!

Back soon, my nostalgic ones...

"The Bitch!" 29/2/04.