My world fell apart today
I lay wounded, bleeding
My heart is broken
My soul sprained

My heart is broken. I didn’t want to fall in love with you. I fought it, tooth and nail. Why can I not find happiness? What is wrong with me? Why do I continue the search?

What do I want? All I wanted was to matter to someone. For someone to see who I am, the real me, and love me for who I am. Not the the Linnie that acts like she hasn’t a care in the world. For she is not real.

Careless words embedded themselves into my soul. They hurt so terribly. My heart aches at the terribleness, the wrongness of your words. The sadistic side of me embraces them; screaming at myself, SEE I TOLD YOU, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF LOVE.

How do I heal? I pretend that I don’t care. You called me, and I talked to you. You wanted to know what’s wrong. You don’t care, so why ask? And I’m so very stupid, I talk to you. I forgive you, even though you never apologized. That makes me pathetic. It makes me loath myself even more.

The worst is I don’t think I really loved you. I loved the way you made me laugh. I loved the power I felt around you. You gave me confidence, however false, in myself. For that, I owe you something.

How do I end this vicious cycle? How do I break free from myself? How do I do what I need to do, without losing that which makes me unique? I’ve always had more pride than brains. So why doesn’t my pride stand up straight and tall and tell you to go away? Because you now hold in your hands, the power to hurt me.
Nobody can help me, not even myself