Most people misunderstand "assertive communication." In fact, very few people are truly assertive. When we think of that word, we tend to think of people who are rude, inconsiderate, and are always forcing other people to do their bidding, and making them feel lousy about it afterwards.
But in reality, these people are aggressive. In truth, passiveness and aggression are two sides of the same coin. A coin based on fear of getting rejected.
Everybody has a terror of being rejected. That's why so few people walk up to gorgeous guys or girls and flat out ask for their phone number. That's why so few people last very long in sales jobs that are purely commission based.
Why are we so terrified of rejection? Without getting deep into psychology, it all stems from our childhood. From the time we were born, until we were at least 3 or later, we were absolutely dependent on our parents. When we wanted something, all we could do was cry. We could reason, we couldn't negotiate, we could only cry.
Sometimes it worked, but often times it didn't, at least not right away. So we learned very early on that crying out for what we want (our early form of expression ourselves) sometimes resulted in being ignored, which we interpreted as rejection.
In order to avoid that terrible feeling, we usually behave passively, where we simply ignore our own needs, or aggressively, where we express our needs so forcefully that people are scared NOT to give us what we want.
But assertiveness is when you release the fear of rejection altogether. It's when you ask for something, and at the same time, let the person you are asking feel completely comfortable in saying "no" to you.
Assertiveness is not getting what you want. It's simply asking for what you want without worrying if they say no. Because there's zero fear involved, you can simply ask a few people until you get a couple of yeses.
Think of it this way. Most people feel that getting is to be avoided at all costs. So their either don't ask, or they don't give the person the option of saying no. This causes stress for both parties.
But when you let them know it's OK to say not, not only will they have a much higher chance of saying yes, simply because there is no pressure, but you'll actually enjoy asking.
