This is about grief that is not publicly acknowledged.

DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF

 By Aubrey Hammack

The best definition of disenfranchised grief that I have read is grief that is not publicly recognized. There are several examples of this kind of grief that we will explore.

 The first is that which involves infidelity. Many times when an affair is found out, these relationships are stopped cold turkey. There is shame and guilt on both sides usually. Of course, the big problem with grief here is that many of these people do not feel they can share feelings about this. The affair after all has been clothed in secrecy. When we are unable to talk openly about the affair, we have already set the stage not to be able to deal with grief when it ends. When this is done we have set in motion problems that could last a lifetime. Repression of one’s feelings will cause one’s heart to ache with pain perhaps forever if never properly addressed.

 A good example of this was seen in the movie a few years ago, The Bridges of Madison County. Francesca and Robert Kincaid had an affair and had fallen in love. She was married and they had a four-day affair that would haunt her for the rest of her life. She was finally able to tell her best friend.

 Her adult children found out after her death in a letter to them from their mother. This is a good example of what I call ending an affair but not ending it. There is no closure. When both parties involved have really not dealt with good-byes, there will always be questions such as what if we had not went our separate ways. Or one might always wonder, was this person the love of my life.

 As you can see when one has grief that has not been worked through, some serious emotional scarring can be done.

Recently, I was made aware that someone involved in a situation as described above, found out that the person they had been involved in had been killed in an automobile accident. The affair had lasted three years and had ended 8 years ago. Did this help bring closure? Perhaps in the long run it might. But for the short haul I am sure there is only more guilt and depression because of having no closure. The emotional damage will probably last a lifetime in this example.

Other types of grief not publicly acknowledged involve those people who have divorced, those who have died from acts of suicide, crime, aids, and those with dehabilitating illnesses. People involved in these losses many times are too ashamed to talk with others about the losses.

 Mothers who have had miscarriages are another example of people with grief that is disenfranchised. The unborn child has not been publicly recognized.

I was in a workshop several years ago when a lady attending the seminar stated that her boyfriend of 6 years had been tragically killed in an automobile accident a few years before. Some of her friends had told her that at least they weren’t married as if the 6-year relationship was not that meaningful.

 I believe it is absolutely crucial to deal with grief whatever kind it is. One grief expert put it best. We need to talk grief to death. We also need people to lend us their ears. Most people are not asking for advice. They just want someone to listen. 

In this article,  I hope that at least it will introduce the reader to grief that is not publicly recognized. It is my belief that if we can become more sensitive to this area, then we can become more thoughtful for those that are hurting because of disenfranchised grief.