(Written in 2005. Revised in 2010)

   In and around the year 2001, as I watched most of my world go up in smoke, in an uninsured fire, I felt numb with shock. Deep down in the core of my Heart existed a frightened child who was surrounded by a well of unshed tears. I needed to cry, but I held it back for fear of becoming completely unglued. I feared that I’d get lost in my pain - that I’d never be able to stop crying and screaming if I let myself get started. I feared that I’d completely fall apart while I had no place to live and no place to go. I felt trapped, lost and more alone than alone can imagine. I needed to cry. I needed to let it out.

   But it felt far too deep and far too painful for me to face alone. I needed someone to hold me. I needed someone to be there for me. I needed to be reassured that everything was going to be OK. But I’d also lost the people I’d been closest to, in the months around this fire. There was no one left in my life who could be there for me on the levels I needed. So I did what most of us do. I stuffed my pain into the dark corners of my Heart and strove to put it behind me and survive it, instead of facing it and working my way THROUGH it. And the weight of my pain was so heavy that I began to stumble, as I carried it into my future.

   I cried out a pretty big batch of it while I lived for one and a half years  in a hunter’s shack in the Adirondack wilderness. I yelled out more of it when I was living on BLM land in the South Western deserts. And I let loose many deep layers of tears in the year 2005, as I  struggled to climb back up onto my feet, before the events around a flash flood raged in to knock me back down.

    All of this has been far more difficult than I can express here. These few years contained several deaths of people I'd been close to and I’d also struggled with the effects of Lupus, menopause and 'empty nest syndrome' through this time.

   But I’m realizing that, as I face the depths of my pain, I also connect with deeper levels of care for myself and the rest of humanity. Through my losses, my homeless situation, and the severe lack of unconditional help in the people around me, I’ve come face to face with the depths of what matters most in life. I’ve come face to face with how incredibly important it is to find the Heart to be here for each other during difficult times. I’ve come face to face with how important it is to embrace each other's pain and lend a free hand or shoulder when it’s needed.

   Even before the flood left me homeless and killed four of my neighbors, I didn’t know how I was going to fully recover on a personal level. I didn’t know how I was going to survive the pain, which continued to overwhelm my Heart. 

    I grew scared of what would happen next. And I grew scared of becoming, and remaining, completely homeless. But as I now face the cold reality of homelessness, I feel that this is not the worst form of existence. The worse form of existence was what I’d been experiencing when I was carelessly living in a five-bedroom house with two cars, a motorcycle, a half-empty barn, a two car garage and food wasting away in my new fridge, when there were thousands of people in deep need of a safe place to live and a kind Heart to lean on as they recover from painful losses.

    I’ll never be able to live with abundance in the same way as I once did. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy having too much when so many of my fellow human beings struggle with having so little, on so many levels.

    As my tears heavily flowed around my need for a kind, safe place to live and time to recover, I realized how empty our crowded world can be. I began to feel that no person on our crowded Earth should ever have to feel as alone with their grief as I have.

I now long, more than ever, to create the safe, healing place

That I’ve desperately needed, and never had.

    I’m not talking about housing for the homeless or a mental health facility or rehab or any other type of service that’s already in existence. I’m talking about simple, homey places where there’s an abundance of kindness, people to talk to, hands to hold and comforting shoulders to cry on; places that are like having a functional family who wants to be there for us, as we heal our hearts from painful losses; places where it’s OK to feel sad and its OK to cry for as long as we need to; places where we don’t have to paste on smiles or pretend to be feeling anything but what we genuinely feel; places where healing is the priority, and Heart is what matters most.

  I feel incredibly sad that money is all that prevents me from doing this, even though money is the most insignificant part of it. I feel sad that there are so many pieces of unused land and so many abandoned houses that could be put to good use for countless people who deeply need a safe place live during times of deep need.

   Throughout my life, I’ve always thought and said that, ‘Heart is more important than money and possessions. But I’d never fully lived it. It’s not until these past few years that I’ve grown to understand the depths of this Truth. Yes, there are days when I miss some of the THINGS I had. But what I want and need, more than anything else, is more Heart in myself and the world around me. This is what would pull it all together. This is why I'd put all I had left into this mission, even though it’s left me virtually homeless too many times.

  After being homeless through most of the past 4 years, I struggle to hold steady my Faith that I’ll be OK. But if I had a choice to go back to a big fancy house I’d want to turn it into a Recovery Center - a safe place where people can heal thier Hearts from painful losses. What I NEED most in my life has absolutely nothing to do with physical possessions and everything to do with the Heart of a safe, healing home.

   As many parts of the world experience disaster after disaster, I pray that those who are losing homes, families and friends, find people who can give them a comforting shoulder to cry on, a kind hand to hold and a safe place to live, as they recover and find the strength to climb back onto their own feet.

   These times in our troubled world are so incredibly difficult for so many of us, that I wish I had more to share right now. I wish I already had the sanctuary - Recovery Center I'd aimed to build with the profits from my publication in 2005. I still need it too. Actually, I need it more now than I ever have. But since I can not yet offer this refuge for those of us who are in need, I pray that this story inspires others to open and share their own Hearts more freely to those who are bing effected by increasing numbers of disasters.

Homeless

by The Poetess (SRP)

Throughout history,

The rich have stolen

From the struggling

Hands of the poor,

Yet dare degrade

Their plea for help

From those

Who now have more.

It’s a crazy

Backwards world

We strive to grow

And live in,

Where the coldest,

Heartless thieves

Are the ones

Who proudly win.

The Waif

by The Poetess (SRP)

I am “nothing but a worthless waif”

Who dares to pause in judgment’s way

But all the Angels beyond the sky

Reach down to hold me while I cry.

THEY know.

World I See

by The Poetess (SRP)

What kind of world can my weary eyes See?

What kind of world need grow to be?

A world where Love is valued most,

And compassion is the steady host,

A world where kindness picks up paces

To lift broken people from wounded places.

 A world where we weather the storms

And Love is birthed from all that gets torn,

 A world where the void of greed and hate

Is filled with Love by the hands of fate,

A world where all is in a state of repair

And none are left in deep despair.

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