Being in Love With Love

I've been accused of that lately and it has bothered me a great deal.
First of all, I'll admit to being a romantic, for yes, I can remember, very well, how being 'in love' used to feel.

I recall walking on air; of being aglow with this inner warmth that compelled my mind to wonder when I should have been more focused on my job, or driving or just whatever the hell I was supposed to be focused upon.

I've missed that feeling a great deal.

Could it be that I just miss the feeling...the sense of 'being in love with love'?

NO!!!

I've been without that side of love for many, many years and have, somehow,
conditioned myself to be happy being without. I have survived with the love of my children and my friends. This kind of love is a dedicated love that brings security without the desires and passions that are aroused with the true r love. The emotion that one has for friends and family is one of quality and the one of true r passions and desire is for the one I love. You are committed to the family unit and if you are a good person then you are just as committed to your friends.

Then what of the past love that isn't here and never quite made the bed ,so to speak , but stays under your skin and crawls out now and then to let you know, had it gone further... then you wouldn't be here with the scar tissue as proof that it existed and the fine scalpel that carved wonderful initials into your heart , lacked the closure and for some reason if they returned you wonder...you just wonder if you could maintain.

Isn't this love ? Truer love? The sort that is sad,is never quite requited and the sort that goes on to inspire the great romance novels...the kind that makes you tear-up at movies and, now and then, tugs at your heart strings with that gut-wrenching ache that stays with you forever then peeks out whenever the heart strings are tweeked?

Now it's my turn to feel this particular 'ache' for someone I can't have.

I suppose love can turn on you. Perhaps 'get even' for being neglected.Who knows!

I feel an ache deep inside...for a great loss... a sadness of never a positive closure of any kind...but mostly, of placing a most honorable and fine man in a spot where he feels guilt for my feelings. This isn't his fault. He was just there being his honest self and I stepped in to add confusion to his life. I was persistent as that's my
nature. I couldn't leave well-enough alone.I didn't see any signs.They were there. However,I chose not to see them.
Is this a symptom of 'being in love with love'?

My God!What a wonderful man! I have been alone so long that I asked myself
if that's the problem. Is this why I care so deeply?

No!! I have seen so many men with a lack of true desires of honesty and
forthrightness. Most will lie or embellish their attributes, then bend over backwards to 'seem' to want to give you the world when all they truly desire is to get you in bed, conquer the hard to get...then move on. It's an adventure for most and they haven't an ounce of compassion for you afterwards.

I've not been the victim here but have been a witness and have been there for woman that have suffered.

My man is removed from that. It is impossible for me to believe him to be real. He is so kind to children, animals and adults in need and much like me but he being removed...him being there...and me being here.
He being committed to his heart and having the fortitude to stand behind his
desires for another who, incidentally, must be the luckiest woman in this world. I wonder if she knows of his love for her and I wonder if SHE knows he loves her like he does.

Augh!!! The power of true love...makes some hearts sing and others weep.
Isn't this being 'in love with love'?

He is so happy with her after all their years together and kids...wonderful kids.

Isn't this what love is supposed to be based upon? Happiness.
The way he has described his dedication speaks for itself.

Am I to feel jealousy when that isn't me or my nature? Am I supposed to take this heartache and learn some valuable lesson in life?

I'll surely give it my best shot, but I rather doubt it works.

I'm alone again but I have learned that this love is within me to give...that it is pure and that it has value. My friend brought this out and, for this.

I know I'm whole again and that it is possible for me to love. This gives me something positive to dwell upon instead of heartache and not being able to be with him.

Isn't this" real love"...the kind when you can wish for his happiness with another over your own? The kind that makes his future more important than any one thing or hurt that will come from walking away?

...And isn't the history books full of these loves?

Or the sort that fought wars over love and made it through while others die on the battlefield, with the last dying whisper being greater with the heart, the miles or time? Now, granted, this is a bit dramatic, but...well, you get the point.

My man is the one I will always wonder about, the one that will stay with me on those lonely,cold nights...but most of all...he will be the one all the others will have to be judged against.

For right now...I want to keep him the way he is...in my mind and hope he'll need me one of these days.

Is this being 'in love with love'...or is this a true r sense?...unconditional love...the sort of purity.

His image already leaves a smile of his eyes as the thoughts of him freezes in my mind.

Isn't this love...passion?

His compassion is felt along with his goodness,generosity,honesty,thoughtfulness, compromise and his ability to give up, turn and walk away...
And then I'm to turn away or am I...and walk out the door ,make adjustments to my life?

I find it hard to close the door to my heart...I'll leave it ajar...so his spirit can visit when the need seems to be overwhelming.

Is it love to be blessed with a friendship that is one with my soul...given so easily and without the hard feelings of merely being a challenge to be conquered?

Now how do I live with out him and how do I stay away from his heart?

...This man who is everything good in life...needs this woman who has comfort
within his life...and I will have to honor his respect for family for I love him.

I know that love is to give of yourself freely and to put your faith and desires into the others hands for safe-keeping.

I realize that love is to be understanding and compassionate for the others' feelings and needs.

I recall that love is the desire to please another over ones self and having the ability to laugh as well as cry with the other.

I have missed all this and now I will miss it more than ever.

I have to tell myself that, "Look up, you're a big girl and you'll find someone out there". ...but, somehow, just typing that makes me hurt and ache for him even more...his soft heart and most of all his concern for my hurt over his own for now.

Then, in a small way...isn't this true r love on his part?

There just isn't a happy medium here...someone will win and someone will lose.

I've never pictured myself as a loser but perhaps this is one of lifes' humble lessons in self-esteem.

All I can say is this...if this isn't love, then why the hell does it hurt so bad?

If this isn't love then why am I back to feeling hollow inside but realizing a new ache that seems to tear me apart?
He was the one person I didn't think existed in a man...and for a brief moment he existed for me in my arms.

He has walked out of my life and taken a piece of me with him.

If this is being' In love with love"...then why can't I control this emptiness...now that he's gone?

© 2003 Susan K. Rowse

Susan welcomes your comments!