My daughter Candice was born eight weeks prematurely. She was tiny but she was a perfect miracle and I was filled with such immense pride and joy. In spite of the struggles earlier on, she grew up to be a lovely, sensitive and intelligent child, albeit somewhat shy. I only realized just how shy she was when I went to pick up from school one day. She was in Grade 4 at the time and as she came towards me, the Principal of the school stopped her and asked her if she was new to the school.

She'd attended that school from kindergarten!

It wasn't a large school. She had simply managed to fly under the radar - to be invisible. How could this be? Of course I thought my child was so special that everyone should notice her. After this incident I came to learn just how debilitating her shyness actually was. One day, she confessed to me with tears trembling in her sparkling blue eyes that at break time she would go to the bathroom, go into a stall and lock herself in. She'd do this to avoid having to face the other kids during play time. She was terrified of rejection and rather than face rejection, she would sit alone in a bathroom stall until it was time to return to class.

My heart sunk.

I felt responsible. What had I done wrong? What could I do to help her develop more confidence? I was a loving mother and I gave her plenty of praise. What could I do to help her develop confidence?

MISTAKE #1 

Telling your child to be confident
The worst thing you can tell a shy child is to be confident. Don't you think they would if they could? When you focus upon a problem it becomes bigger.

TIP 

Don't focus on the problem. Allow your child to tell you how she or he feels and listen attentively. When my daughter was finally able to open up to me, she felt better. I didn't tell her she was being silly. I knew that it must have been awfully painful for her. I suggested to her that if she felt shy there must surely be other children who felt the same way.  She thought about this for a bit and then nodded in agreement. Yes there must be other children like her. I suggested that this could be her mission. In a short time she made her first friend. 

TURN YOUR CHILD INSIDE OUT

A shy or self-conscious child is focused inwardly. Your aim is to shift their focus from themselves and onto others. You've heard the expression, "To make a friend, be a friend," haven't you? As an adult we understand that friendly people make more friends but a child needs to be taught...better still, shown.

I've heard it said that you need to build a child's self-esteem and you do this by providing copious praise for their accomplishments. I know that in spite of my best efforts, my child's confidence did not grow. While she was confident at home where she felt secure, she lacked confidence at school and among people she didn't know. She was out of her comfort zone. Although she got plenty of love and praise at home, this did little to help her outside of the home.

By suggesting that if she felt shy that there might be others who felt the same, I helped her to look beyond the pain and insecurity she was feeling. This really was the start of her journey from the inside out.

COMING UP

In my next article I will continue talking about how confidence is developed. My child was excruciatingly shy and today she is a beautiful confident young woman and many people comment upon her charisma and charm. She draws people to her like a magnet.