Holidays hurt.

Holidays Hurt

By Susan O’Neal
May 12, 2013


    While having a mediocre and overpriced brunch with my son this afternoon, on the occasion of Mother’s Day, I made the comment that I missed my mother and was at times still a bit angry with her.  He basically argued that my feelings were invalid, which I wonder is ever a valid position.  You may not understand or agree with someone’s feelings, but aren’t they always valid?  I mean, a person feels what she feels.
    He asked how old my mom would have been today if she had lived.  I said, “83.”  His arguments as to why my feelings were, therefore, invalid were:  1)  83 is significantly older than the average life expectancy in the U.S. for a white female; and 2) even if she had quit smoking at some point before getting cancer, there was never any guarantee she would have lived to be 83.  
    I argued that there was a big difference between dying at 63 or living to be 83.  And, I told him that I remembered a time about 7-10 years before she died, when she had gone to the doctor and gotten a clean chest x-ray and exam, despite smoking over a pack a day for over 30 years.  The doctor had implored to her to quit smoking at once, as it was miraculous that she had seemingly not suffered any ill effects yet.  But, she would not or could not heed that advice, and she died much too soon.  So, I am angry because I feel that she chose to smoke and die, rather than to live and see her grandchildren grow up.
    So, I am both sad and mad that my mother is not here and has not been here for 20 Mother’s Days because she would not or could not quit smoking.  And, I think I have a right to feel how I feel.  Someday Owen will be right.  In another 20 years my mother will have had to live to be 103 to still be with us.  So, on that day, I will just be sad.