An amusing look at things one must never do in an interview situation.

Well, I guess there are many things one shouldn’t do in an interview, but I’ve tried to think of twelve most obvious that perhaps are so obvious, you wouldn’t realise you were doing them!

1 – Play with yourself – as in, no fiddling with your hair, your nose, your teeth or scratching that rash that sprung up that morning – put cream on it and leave well alone until after the interview when you can scratch till you bleed.
2 – Yawn. You may well be exhausted from lack of sleep as your mind went over every possible outlook, but do not yawn in mid-sentence, or while your interviewer is talking; they take this very badly.
3 – Smell – of course you want to wear your favourite perfume or aftershave, which in a small quantity is absolutely fine, if not expected, but overdoing it can be just as bad as none at all as body odour takes over the room. You will sweat of course, so PLEASE remember the deodorant. If the interviewer opens the window or door as you sit down, forget it, you’ve not got the job, stinky!
4 – Talk too much – You may well have done your thorough research on the company, but rambling on and on and on is just as bad as saying nothing. Keep your answers simple, to the point and correct.
5 – Admire the family photos on the desk. That may well look like two boys and his mother but to get it wrong is a terrible faux pas and one that is difficult to regroup from.
6 – Flirt – he or she may be the most amazing creature you’ve been looking for since you became single but this is a potential boss and you want the job. Real flirting can possibly commence once you’ve attained the job and established his/her status.
7 – Use double entendres – they well be funny but you want the job on your own merits, not because they think you would be up for some very kinky business.
8 – Talk about your life – they don’t care how many cats you have or why you collect teapots, they want to know why you’d be great for the job, end of.
9 – Drink – I mean the alcoholic kind. The interviewer may well offer you a glass of water, maybe even a cup of coffee or tea, however, do not take the bait if offered a scotch or glass of wine – it’s a test, don’t fall for it. Once you’ve left, you can down that vodka like its water, but until then, be sober.
10 – Eat – I’ve never been to an interview where they offer you a biscuit or anything to eat, but here’s the thing, if they did who in their right minds would say yes? Do you want to be the one with half the biscuit stuck to your teeth or choking on that damned crumb halfway through an answer? No, so resist that chocolaty goodness till later when you have your much needed caffeine fix.
11 – Dance – this is an obvious one as unless it’s an interview for ballet, striptease or panto, they don’t expect to watch you proving you have the stamina to do the job by gallivanting around their office doing your best impression of falshdance!
12 – Beg – You may feel the job slipping through your fingers as the interview progresses, but never, and I mean, NEVER, get on your knees and plead for the position. They will certainly not be able to look at you without cringing and you will not be able to bare the humiliation as word spreads through the office block like wildfire and you’ll leave quietly with your pride and dignity in tatters.
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So, to all you hopeful’s out there getting dressed up, ready to take a big step in the world of jobs, be yourself, enjoy the process and they will like you for who you are. Good luck xx

P.J Roscoe – Author of award-winning novel ‘Echoes’ and ‘Freya’s Child.