When couples call each other obscene names.   What are they accomplishing?  They are destroying each other’s self esteem. 

What is the real issue?  It could be anything from cheating, frustration, poor financial managements, and so forth.  The issue gets lost in an emotional cesspool. 

Even when the issue appears to be the focus, it often is not.  The wife may be complaining that her husband does not help with the housework.  However, she might actually fear he is having an affair and picks on a subject that is not so highly emotionally charged. It may release some of her frustration and anger, but it does not address the issue.  Is he having an affair or not? 

The wife may bring up all the past failings of her spouse. Yet she really is saying that she wants him to pay more attention to her.  

The female may act disinterested when she is very much in love with her man.  She is instead mirroring his actions in an attempt to awaken him to the way he is acting towards her. Unfortunately this seldom works because the woman does not bring the focus of her intention to his attention;  therefore he merely thinks she is angry..

People are afraid to say what they mean because they fear a huge confrontation and instead prefer to enter the back door- so to speak-to address their concerns.   However, rather than avoiding a confrontation the tension builds and the resulting explosion is far worse than it would have been if nipped in the bud. 

None of the above actually function to address the issues nor to find a solution for them.  Each just adds to the confusion.

I suggest writing down what your issue is.  

After you finish your lengthy notes, condense your issue to four sentences. 

In the first sentence What did the person actually do or say that created the issue. 

In the second sentence write how the issue can be resolved .

In the  third sentence write how you feel about it.  ( Do not start with “YOU MAKE ME”or use that structure at all unless a gun was put to your head or you were chained or tortured.) 

IN the fourth sentence write the effect or consequences on the relationship or your life.

Then allow the person to ponder the presented problem and get back to you with an answer.

Do not allow the situation to become side tracked into other events, past or present or the projected future. Keep a pad by your side.  If the issue strays, write down the other situations and deal with them separately after a solution has been agreed upon by both parties. .then continue to the next issue in the same manner that you solved the first issue.

What are People Really saying?  DETERMINE WHAT SOMEONE IS EXPLAINING TO YOU BY LISTENING UNTIL THEY HAVE FINISHED THEIR ACCOUNT OF THE PROBLEM.  THEN TALK.