I count the number of days gone by since i last saw Ben. This year on the day before Thanksgiving or the 24th day of the current Hebrew month Marcheshvan will mark the three thousand, two hundred and eighty-fifth day of living without my son Benjamin.

I live my life day by day. I raised my children day by day. I bless The One Above "yom yom". Why then does it seem so odd to count the days, as opposed to the years, since last I spoke to and touched Ben? What is the difference?

Nine years is the sum of three thousand two hundred eighty five days. i don't grieve for Ben once a year, the nine yahrzeit candles i will have lit do not accurately reflect what i will have experienced each day since three thousand, two hundred, eighty-five days ago.

Counting days permits me to grieve tangibly. i don't want to put it behind me. i live each day of my life with that day in front of my eyes. I draw closer to Ben each day i count.

"Nine years ago" seems so far away. There is no way to retrieve that time gone by. You cannot "hold" a year but a day ...? It's not that i can somehow juggle three thousand two hundred eighty-five days at once. i can't and don't. i hold onto each day by itself. Carrying a day is something each of us can do. A year is too heavy. It drags you down as you try to drag it along.