Most people aren't funny and should keep their mouths shut in public

He deserved it and he got it: a cruel and excruciatingly painful exit from this world.

Had he been funnier he might have lived. No, had there been a germ, or just a spec of humor in what he said he’d still be among us. There wasn’t, though. His “jokes” were devoid of humor, and his mind was a humorless desert where, even if a seed of something funny had fallen and sprouted it would have shriveled and died of a total lack of nourishment.

It was in a small restaurant in a tiny town on the coast of Oregon that he launched his jokes. The first flew out of his mouth when he walked in and the waitress greeted him with a “Good morning.”

It was a simple greeting: polite, and meant to convey a sense of decency, hospitality and good cheer. But for the funny man, it was an opening to assault a perfectly innocent waitress.

“Good morning,” she said cheerfully as he bounced through the front door.

The goof paused, smiled to himself, looked around to make sure people were watching and listening, and then let loose with his remark:

“What makes you assume that?”

He smiled to himself again—it was clear from his smug look that he considered himself a wit—and looked around to see if anyone was having a heart attack from laughing so hard at his remark or shaking their heads in admiration and wonderment at his cleverness.

No one laughed; not the 20-year-old waitress whose car was stuck in the repair shop all weekend, and not the four customers who were waiting for their eggs, waffles and toast. In fact, one patron cringed, clenched his fists and vowed that if the goof attempted another witticism he would beat him to a pulp.

The eggs, ham, hash browns and toast came, and eventually the waitress asked the goof if he was going to eat anything. His response was another attempted witticism:

“Well, no one’s tried to sell me anything yet.”

He laughed again at his own remark and looked around the seven-table restaurant to see if anyone was laughing. No one was. And this time, a second customer—an old man—cringed behind his newspaper.
The wit kept talking and ruined what should have been a pleasant breakfast for the customers. He tried making jokes about getting old, going bald and who knows what else. It was painful. It was when the old man got up to pay his bill that we all snapped.

“What did you have, a strawberry waffle?” the waitress asked the oldster. Before he could answer, the goof fired off another alleged joke:

“What, are you going to pay extra for pancakes with holes in ‘em?”

At once, I, the old man and two other customers threw ourselves at the goof. We were crazy with rage, and in a few minutes it was over: The wit will never again assail anyone again with his pathetic jokes.

It’s a lesson for us all. Most of us should keep our mouths shut in public. Most of us aren’t funny, witty or even the least bit smart. We’re ill-informed, misinformed and boring. Any witticisms or jokes we might know have been repeated four million times before and are no longer fresh and funny.

Even the great comedians can’t be witty in public. It takes time, effort and talent to come up with a good joke. The great Jerry Seinfeld says that people often expect him to spew joke after joke during normal conversations. He can’t, because, well, normal people just don’t talk or act that way.

Most of us are social misfits, who, if left on our own in public, will annoy the hell out of just about everybody and get ourselves killed. So here are some tips on how to stay alive out there:
When someone says “Good morning,” or “How are you today?” respond by saying, “Good morning,” or, “I’m doing well, thank you.”

Remember that no one really wants to know anything about you. They’ve got their own problems and couldn’t care less about your bloated liver, irregular bowel movements or patches of scaly skin.

Never walk into a crowded place and state the obvious as if it’s a great secret that you just discovered, and have decided, in your greatness, to tell the world about. Example: If it’s blizzarding outside and there are three feet of snow on the ground, don’t walk into a bar, brush yourself off and breathlessly exclaim: “Dam, it sure is snowing out there!”

Unless the patrons are hopeless drunks who haven’t left the bar in three weeks, they already know it’s snowing heavily.
Never ever butt in on someone else’s conversation—not while in a bar, not while standing in line at the grocery store, and certainly not while in the john. Personal conversations are personal, and they’re none of your business.

If you are having a personal conversation in a public place, talk quietly. Do not shout to your companion about your colonic polyps or genital warts. That’ll distract others who are trying to talk about their problems with ear wax, kidney stones and erectile dysfunction.

While shopping in a grocery store, do not leave your cart in the middle of an aisle while you stand in the other half searching for the perfect can of green beans. No one will be able to get by you, and in their frustration and rage, they just might pummel you.

And, when it’s 112 degrees in the shade, never ask someone, “Is it hot enough out there for you?” Because if you do, there’s a good chance that you’ll soon be lying on a cold slab.