Florida politicians now want us to be 'closet heroes'!

The duplicity, hypocrisy and downright stupidity of Florida Politics.


I don't have much time, nor take seriously politics and politicians of any 'persuasion'. It's like being offered the peanut variety of M&M's. Sure, you get a choice of colours, but strip off the brightly coloured veneer, and you still get left with a nut tasting remarkably like - well, a nut! It's the same the world over.

But two things which have really captured my attention recently, concerning Florida politics, relate to the tobacco smoking issue. One of the two "Running for Governor" politicians has proposed a remarkable idea for funding increased spending on the Florida educational system, should he win. 50 cents to be slapped on a packet of cigarettes. I'm a smoker, and happen to think this a marvellous idea. Yes you heard right – I'm all for it.

Overnight, I would go from "leprous outcast" to "Hero of Florida Kids". I would have a truly noble reason to not only maintain a high nicotine intake, but be morally obliged to do everything possible to increase it!

At long last, the shoe would be on the other foot, where I shall be able to piously heap disdain on the non-smoker – "What's the matter with you? You care so little about children's education that you can't even buy a packet a week?" And had I a child in Florida, I would expect him to point out to all the other kids whose parents don't smoke, that his Daddy is paying for their education.

As it is, I've been heavily investing in Florida Lotto tickets which props up the education system, but obviously to little avail, as gambling is clearly not sufficient. Now I shall hope and pray that every Lotto winner is also a smoker, so that they get to pay twice. Perhaps the Florida politicians could add a proviso for any non-smoking Lotto winner – "You want the winnings? – You gotta sign a contract to smoke 2 packs a day…"

Logic dictates that, rapidly following on from smokers and gamblers, drinkers should shoulder the burden, too. "25 cents per can of beer," sounds reasonable to me. Here, I have to confess, would be a dilemma for me as, being of British origin, six years of Florida residency has still not convinced me that what Americans call beer, is not really beer, but what Brits know as really being "Lager".

But assuming I go the whole nine-yards, and guilt persuades me that smoking and gambling is still not enough – that I succumb to a few cans a day – I really do think that all the local schools should have me high on their list to attend all their events. Perhaps even have me be a guest speaker at their graduation ceremonies?

I would proudly stagger up the steps to a rostrum, dropping ash as I stumble over to the microphone, and proudly announce, "All you kids getting a certificate today… I'm throwing in a quick-pick for Saturday evening's $4 million jackpot."

We, the drunkard, gambling smokers are the true heroes – investing in a brighter future for our youth, because the 'decent clean-living' adult population have abandoned their financial responsibilities when it comes to educating their children.

And here is where the actual duplicity, hypocrisy and downright stupidity comes into play. At the same time that 50 cents per packet for education is being proposed, an 'amendment' to ban smoking in public places – restaurants, bars, places of work, etc., is being simultaneously proposed!

Now I am totally confused! I mean, I thought the rules of the game were that every hero should be paraded publicly at every opportunity? This means I have to be a "closet hero"?

"We want you to be a smoker – a champion of the educational cause, but we intend on making it as damn near impossible as we can, for you…" What am I missing here?

I'm supposed to be a shining example, a hero, a Brit more American than an American, puffing and gambling to victory so that every kid in Florida can read and write, with the exception of the words "'smoker" and "gambler".

Isn't this all rather like suggesting I should go take a bath, but not get wet? Isn't this like telling me to eat peanut M&Ms but don't eat the nut? Isn't this like telling me that I really should take politicians seriously?

Copyright David Taub, October 2002

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