Recent news (of 11th June 2005) reviewed by The Bitch!

Well darlings,

I see the latest evidence that suggests sexual preference is determined before birth, and therefore can't be changed by aversion therapy as some of the Holy Joe Brigade would have you believe, comes from the discovery of a single gene in a fly which if transposed into a fly of the opposite sex turns the recipient "gay". LGBT civil rights leaders and human rights campaigners are jumping up and down with joy over these latest findings that join an ever-growing mountain of scientific evidence proving that sexual orientation is not a matter of choice.

Of course, if you're a gay person you probably already know this for a fact - it's just that you can't convince those that are not gay and therefore not born with this understanding. I mean, for me it has always been to do with what's in the jeans, and yes, the flies have always been a good place to start looking! Right from being a little sprat, somehow I always knew that flies would play a very important role in my life!

This latest evidence may be winning the battle against these aversion therapy crusaders for us - but will it win the war? With all the remarkable things that our scientists shortly hope to be able do to improve human life through gene manipulation in the embryonic stages, how long will it be before someone demands that sexual orientation must be "corrected" if an embryo is found to be carrying a "gay" gene?

As a part of the human race that does not naturally reproduce itself there's one hell of a lot of us still around, and there always has been. Call it what you will: "God", "Mother Nature", or "evolution", it matters not, for whatever it is that is responsible it has always seen fit to maintain our numbers. We have not disappeared over the eons as a "mistake" or an "error" as anomalies seem to do, and so therefore, although we may not yet know exactly what, we have to conclude that we serve an essential purpose as a part of our species. Future scientists will play around with our genes (and our jeans) at their peril!

Now, what ingredients can make a meal out of a morsel? Well, they appear to be Heinz Salad Cream and Swindon Council. Certainly not as cool as a cucumber is council leader Mike Bawden over a recent Heinz radio advertisement in which a mother asks: "If salad cream's not just for salad, are birdbaths just for birds? Like shoe racks, just for shoes or could they rack up Swindon's most wanted into an orderly queue of shame?"

Mr Bawden sees the advertisement as an insult to Swindon and believes that Heinz should have to pay the town at least £10,000 for the criticism implied. He says the money would go to the mayor's Helping Hand Fund. In reply to the complaint Heinz has already stated that the ad was a humorous one and intended to be taken with a pinch of salt, but that hasn't stopped Swindon Mayor, Ray Fisher, from getting into a pickle and tossing a letter back which concludes with: "Please consider very carefully how you wish to respond to this. I am very upset by it and will not wish to hear that you consider it amusing."

Heinz's director of European corporate affairs, Michael Mullen is reported as saying: "Heinz is bemused by this suggestion, and would reiterate that the ad campaign is a humorous one and was in no way intended to cause offence."

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! You could wet yourself, couldn't you? To get into such a stew over a salad cream advert is beyond belief. I haven't heard, or read, all of the ad but from what I've learnt of it, and unless there is something far more offensive that hasn't been mentioned, I fail to see anything derogatory in it at all. In fact if Swindon could actually rack up their most wanted on some shoe racks I'd say they'd be a very fortunate town indeed! The envy of most!

I suggest these councillors would be wise to stop being so stupid. They are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. I feel they would be far better engaged in doing what they're paid to do - to look after Swindon's affairs and to let the town's reputation speak for itself. To get into a legal battle with the likes of Heinz over something as stupid as a light-hearted radio ad would cost the town dearly, possibly bankrupting it, and the electorate wouldn't thank these councillors for that! Remember the Diana Memorial Fund? Look and learn! Swindon had better pray that Heinz stay "bemused" for to even suggest that they were being vindictive in their advertising could cost the town, and possibly those councillors too, mega-bucks in damages if this monolithic company were to take offence at their public statements. Swindon councillors wouldn't know what had hit them - the writs arriving would be like the shaking of the famous bottle: first none'll come, and then a lot'll!

Swindon is a great town, clean, modern, prosperous, equality minded and, with crime figures below the national average, it's a good place to live. This much is known, and were it not to be so it would easily be discovered by anyone wishing to do business there. But for the council to be so touchy as to take offence and to retaliate every time that someone makes a joke at the expense of the town is rather childish. It might even cause some people to totally re-evaluate their whole opinion of the town - downwards!

Of course, there will be times when a swift rebuttal is called for from the council – but this plainly is not one of them! This advert should be taken in the sense that it was obviously intended: as a light-hearted way in which to promote a certain brand of salad cream, and not as some gigantic world-wide company with annual sales exceeding 8.4 billion dollars having a dig at Swindon. I mean, why on earth would they?

Something else these councillors should consider before getting into any slanging match with Heinz is the recent report on the rise of homophobic assaults in Swindon. It’s common knowledge now that Faringdon Road Park has been listed as one of the town's top danger areas for gay men with 16% of men interviewed by Portsmouth University saying that they would not even venture into the park during daylight, and a much greater percentage claiming they would avoid the park and some other areas of Swindon like Penhill, Manchester Road, and Walcot at night.

Coupled with the news that 53 men have suffered homophobic abuse in the past year, and that 14 of them were physically assaulted, some seriously, appearing on the Internet for everyone to see, the case is easily proven for Heinz that Swindon even with its lower crime figures does, just like everywhere else, indeed have its most wanted too.

Take it from an old queen, darlings: for something as insignificant as this advert, one aloof gesture accompanied by a witty throwaway comment would beat a thousand screams in a catfight every time! Sapere aude! Duobus litigantibus, tertius gaudet!

I suggest the council issue a Press Release (especially to the American news market) showing just how well Swindon does keep its crime under control, and giving the dissatisfaction with the Heinz advertisement a mention – whilst referring to the company as German and apologising if perchance they had incorrectly spelt the company’s name! Far safer, far more fun, and far more rewarding than trying to threaten a massive corporation that puts the wind up the whole world on a regular basis!

Moving on: I see that Christian Bale wants the producers to make two versions of the next Batman movie – one for kids and one, where the Caped Crusader has sex, for adults.

Christian, darling, this is hallowed ground you’re treading on. Some of us have had fantasies about this that has lasted for decades. We’ve long appreciated that Batman had to have sex at sometime – and we’ve also appreciated that originally it couldn’t be shown in the film or in the comic. However, we’ve always known that it was with Robin! The dungeon-like Bat Cave, the dressing up, the masks, the sexually revealing clothing – Holy Crutch Shots, it’s the fetish duo! Now don’t you go changing the storyline, Christian! We don’t want you spoiling things by introducing any bimbos at this late stage, man! Batman rules, and Robin drools! End of story!

And finally, it’s good news for all those who like me can still manage more than six minutes intense exercise a week – if you get the gist! According to a study published in this month's Journal of Applied Physiology people could cut their expensive gymnasium workouts - which some do for at least two hours a day and then possibly three or more times a week - to just two minutes of intense exercise a day and achieve exactly the same results.

I always knew my theory was right! I mean, nothing is going to be fitter than an animal that has to chase and catch another for its survival, is it? I give you the lion and the tiger. Have you ever seen one of these animals pumping iron for hours on end? No, mostly they sleep and laze around. Their enviable fitness comes solely from the intense exercise of the chase – topped up with copious amounts of sex.

Creatures after my own heart!

"The Bitch!" 11/6/05.