I’ve made a few mistakes and feared consequences that were potentially problematic issues that would further decimate me, and they did. I realized that I was afraid of other things too. At one particular point, my mind had been heavy as I struggled with my spirituality, and I had been deathly afraid of the last days and the advent of Christ. Sometimes I wondered whether I would make it through those tough times of recessive dread. Was I destined to die without a chance to get it right? Because it seems like the more I tried to do right the more Satan would jump me and dwell within my soul. A lot of times, I questioned why should I even be a Christian. I’ remember going days without reading the world of God, and I would just lie around feeling sad and empty. I still would go to church and all, sympathizing with the appeal, but then I would sank back into my malfunctioning mode. The purpose of this essay is to share my feelings and give you my assessment of how I finally stood up and fought diligently for change while standing in the gap amid adversity and angst.

Human nature will find us at times fallible and prone to error. We will stumble, sometimes, fall and allow brokenness to define how not to be focused.  My life took on a decidedly good turn one day when I wanted to study the book of Hebrews. In doing so I was able to get a better understanding of God and His plan to save the world. This book coupled with the book of James gave me a new lease on life on the way to the altar to repent and change my thought process.  As I vacillated between the two books deciphering the maxims thereof, I absorbed the true meaning of how God intended for us to utilize his plan for salvation. As a result, I came across one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible found in Hebrews. To wit:  “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16. After reading this, I had no choice but to sober up a bit and look intrusively for a better understanding of what I read. Like a beacon in the dark it enlightened my soul and forced me to come back to reality!  I realized remorsefully that I lacked faith. When you don’t have a strong hold on Jesus and don’t read His word daily and diligently, you will not have deep rooted faith and will end up faltering. This is going somewhere...so keep up with me. 

People who know me and have followed me are surprised to have seen me in this state at that time. Alas, I’ve rebounded and can feel comfort in giving you the soul of this man, but it wasn’t always a stable situation with me. My story up to this point is an open book. Tooling in the pubIishing industry have been a labor of love, unbalanced at times but not enough to deter me from sharing my talent and expertise to those who aspired to write and author books. I worked tirelessly reviewing books, editing them, publicizing and helping authors to market them adroitly. As a freelance writer I wrote too, and submitted essays and articles galore to publications willing to accept opinionated views on some of the most prevalent issues in our society. Albeit, there have been rejections along the way. I submitted three novels to three different publishers and was shown the door with my books in tow, which affected my ego. I was even dismissed by a few of my peers who told me on many occasions that my writing was too pedantic, and that readers wouldn’t understand me using words they wouldn’t understand.  I applied for jobs as an editor, got interviewed quite a few times, and put on various waiting lists. After awhile it didn’t take long for me to feel the pangs of despair and I completely shut down. I was really angry with God for putting me through the pain of rejection time after time. I felt like I was through. Of course people would admonish me, defy my stance of stubbon retreat and try to encourage me anew. They would say things like -- “Try again”, don’t give up...you’ve come this far; stay the course”, etc. As I lamented my plight the gap got wider. I was not trying to hear that at all. I knew that they would question my faith and do a great job of allowing the guilt trip to be a worthwhile journey for them to dwell deep into my consciousness. 

Deep down, I knew what the problem was. Perhaps I didn’t stang in the gap long enough. I was afraid of failure, wasn’t strong enough to face reality without a full and replenished notion to stay the course. I was tired of the crap. As I read my Bible more and listened to my Pastor preach sermon after sermon on dealing with pulling up your bootstraps to get out of the box but stay in His will, my life slowly turned for the better. Then I began to look at others -- my peers and those that seemingly had weathered storms and had the wherewithal to slap iniquity up side the head and get away with it! I talked to them and I felt that if they could rebound, why couldn’t I?  I was so thankful to be alive, and grateful for another day of life. Members of my family and close friends called me, and encouraged me not to give up. One conversation in particular with a person who was once homeless but became a successful motivational speaker really inspired me. You all should know Les Brown (http://www.lesbrown.com), who was an erstwhile classmate of mine during the early days of my high school education. He assured me that there were better options, and that the better part o my life was before me. So I said all that to say that you never know who can and will be influential enough in your life to wrought change. His talk fueled me further and I knew that I needed my walk with Jesus to be more pronounced. Hebrews and James did the trick! I will became fearless and refrained from worrying about the last days, and my soul salvation. I realized that God’s had my back, and all I had to do was conform! As long as I have faith in Jesus, I got through that life and endeavored to get reformed and refined. I repented, made better decisions, let go of those that didn’t mean me well and held tighter on the hand of God. 

That verse above says that Jesus has gone through every temptation and every trial that the human race has ever gone through, and made it out! So if He made it out of adversity why can’t I? If I needed help in the worst way and approached the throne of Jesus in an humbled way asking forgiveness. I have no reason to fear, because somewhere in the Bible it talks about perfect love casting out fear. I ascertained that Jesus’ love for me would impel my life and faith from now on. I am aware that this was kind of choppy and not flowing the way that it should. Sorry about that , I am not the greatest writer. I hope that you got the main idea, which is to have faith! Thank you, all the people that called me, e-mailed me and wrote on my wall. I was really touched by you kind words. May God bless all of you and have a great week. I hope that this note was a blessing to you.