I am thankful to be alive because I should have perished several times, but I am still here by the grace of God. Two suicide attempts, emergency child birth, and a car accident where I should have went over the side of an over pass, all were not my time to go, and I am grateful that God saw fit that I had more to do.
I didn't realize the impact of my antics until I met a lady online who has a son who passed by suicide and when my husband told me a story of when he almost died of alcohol poisoning in high school. Both incidents are not unusual events, but my husband's father told my husband that he was not angry that he got drunk, but it was the fact that he almost took the most precious thing his mother had a way from her. That really hit deep in my soul because I knew that I almost did the same to my mother and realized how much that had to hurt her.
Through my conversations with the woman who lost her son, I realized how much she blamed herself for not being able to see what was happening and intervene. I told her what her son was going through from the perspective of a person who felt like her son. I hoped that I was able to bring her comfort because there becomes a point where you get so low that there is no comfort and not being able to see his pain was not her fault. When someone take's their life, it is no fault of anyone. The pain becomes so overwhelming that ending one's life feels like the only way out at that point in time. I am not advocating suicide. I am just giving you what it feels like to be in that hopeless feeling.
I have realized that God already knows everything we are going to do. He knows how our lives will end, and even if it will be by our own hand. If that is how our life should end, then that is how our life should end. Nothing can change God's will. The amazing thing is God lets it all happen and finds good within tragedy if we let God's will play out in our lives.
God knows the good, the bad, and the vile we all do and creates us anyway because he loves us and finds value within all of us. Despite our sins, as long as believe and repent, He loves and forgives us. At the end of our earthly lives, He takes us into His Heavenly kingdom for eternity. Remember that history is really His story.
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