A lot has happened since my last blog in December. Mostly, I’ve just been trying to survive this urban environment. I have to say, I am not feelin’ it! I need trees, birds, quiet and diversity. Where I live now is a stone trip! They opened a new Wal-Mart and I was excited about not driving 10 miles to the nearest one. Let me just say that after a couple of trips to “Ghetto Wally” I am still driving the 10 miles. It’s worth it, and you can trust me on that.
Enough about my environment; I’ll change it once I have the means to. In the meantime, what I really need to rant about is relationships. I seldom go out and that’s because of my environment. I just feel safer at home. It’s sad, and I’ll change that as well. Perhaps drive those 10 miles just to get out of the house and at the same time be away from the area I currently call home. Because I don’t go out, I’m limited to meeting men online. For over a year I closed all of my online dating profiles and cancelled my subscriptions to these sites. I did it because the caliber of men I met was not the greatest even on the paid sites. My need for human contact outside work overcame my frustration with online venues and I went back about 4 months ago. I’ve met one masculine entity outside my computer and I met him at Ghetto Wally. Nice guy, but has trouble keeping phones and isn’t at the same place in life I am. I like him just fine, but when two people aren’t on the same page, a relationship is really out of the question, isn’t it?
I’ve had one previous suitor come back into the picture. This guy has about as much depth as a film of cellophane. Really! He’s handsome, has a great voice but really has no clue. At first, I was impressed with his intelligence only to find that he had no intellect. I noticed that he only called when he was in his car. We’ve gone a couple rounds with him calling frequently and confessing his love, then disappearing. Still, I have to ask if a man can be of any value if he can say that having never met me in person? DUH!
A recent new suitor seemed awesome. He and I had a great time hanging out, going for a drive, watching a DVD and he even joined me in the kitchen to raid the fridge and come up with an impromptu meal. It was nice to have the culinary company. He’s funny and intelligent and even had intellect, but this man is really a few flakes short of a flurry if you know what I mean. He had some life challenges, which I was trying to be supportive of. You know, if you really like someone, you are willing to help them unpack a few carry-ons. When he seemed to be distracted by this life issue, I gave him the opportunity to handle his business. I said, “Listen, shug. If you need me to back off and let you do what you need to do, I will. You handle your business and call me when your plate is clear.” He responded with a very adamant, “NO! Listen. Let me come by there tonight and I’ll share what’s going on.”
Keep in mind that he had mentioned he would come by the night before and didn’t show up. Me, being the understanding woman I was trying to be, did not flush him, but gave him the benefit of the doubt since this life issue was pretty intense. This is why I was on the phone with him in the first place and also why I made the offer to back off. I agreed to let him come by and I prepared myself to be quiet and listen to whatever he was prepared to share. Well, he didn’t show a second time. Now, I’m convinced that he’s got more challenges than he’s letting on. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Next thing I know, I get this scalding email stating that I’m like the Kathy Bates' character in the movie “Misery” and that he is a man and needs his space. Wait a minute, didn’t I say I’d back off and let you have it? Anyway, that one was left at the curb where he was quite comfy. I didn’t need to kick him there, since he was already camped out.
When I’m online, I do not “shop” for men. I basically go see who’s viewed me, look at their profiles and respond to messages from possible suitors. If he was born after 1967, I don’t respond. If his message is an automated “flirt” or “icebreaker” I will respond with a kind thank you, and wait to see if he has more to offer. I feel that if a man is interested in me, he knows better than I do.
I recently got a message from a fellow that included his phone number and a demand to call him. I don’t usually respond to these kinds of messages, but he was online at the time so I read his profile. It was interesting, so I clicked into the site’s chat window to see what the urgency was. I immediately felt I was in some kind of lab test. A major red flag, which I ignored. I shared my number and he indicated he would call. He didn’t for over 24 hours after indicating he would do so “in a few.” I generally give folks the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this, especially men. So, after a day or so, I sent him another message in the site and said, “Come talk to me.”
When we finally got an opportunity to talk, he began laying out demands. Now, since he’s made a big deal about his profession (surgeon, or so I’m told), and since he continues to refer to himself as Dr. So-and-So I’m a little concerned about whether he’s capable of loving anyone but himself. He has made demands that when they were not met, he said he was disappointed in me and made a big deal out of it. That’s a sure sign of the narcissistic tendency that is the basis for borderline personality disorder. I’ve already done things that compromised my values and went against my better judgment only to find that he still was not satisfied. I’m not ready to jump through hoops without any ROI.
He’s about 2500 miles away in a small suburb of Phoenix and although I first thought he might be worth the effort, I believe his expectations are way beyond where I’m willing to go and that is saying a lot. I believe in giving 100% to a relationship, but so far all I’ve gotten are his demands for silly stuff like photographs and a look at my legs and “let me see how big your nipples are.” Then, I’ve received demeaning comments because I didn’t deliver fast enough or enough detail, or because I told him I wasn’t willing to do these things. These are major red flags for me. Surgeon or no surgeon, he’s not worth my sanity or worth me compromising who I am to please him.
I believe relationships should be more of a team effort where both are working toward a goal. The evidence so far does not indicate he understands that concept. Gimme, gimme, gimme right now! Screw that! He hasn’t stepped up to the plate to earn that kind of submission. I’m not going to allow him to think I’m the one to use for his whip-cracking practice. It’s like he’s some sort of big baby. This is the kind of man who would suck the life out of you and leave your dried carcass hanging in the web while he looked for fresh prey, blaming you for the fact that you are used up. Maybe he’s just accustomed to being in surgery and when he holds out his hand and demands an instrument, it is magically slapped into his palm.
Maybe it’s just me and maybe I am having some kind of flashback from being married to a control freak for 20 years, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ignore any more red flags. Life’s too short.
