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Blogs by Mitzi Kay Jackson
LOST 9/19/2009 1:55:56 AM
I lost a very important part of my, some days ago. I have wrote about pain and heartache, but nuthing has prepared me for this...I am going to miss you so much. Life is short, right? Something we as people have been told thousands of times over. hen a person is on your mind heavy, get in touch with them, right? Follow your first mind, right? I fell out with a friend, I mean it was serious, could have been life-threatening, so we fall out. And this fall out made me question myself and everything I thought I knew about love, faith, abuse.. How could I still be in love with someone who could do some of the things that had happen or be put in some of the situations that came up? How could I still yearn with every adam in my body, for someone who could disregard me in anger? Why love didn't oozes out with blood from a bloody lip or frightened moment? How could someone who loves you, your body with such tenderness, asking are you my baby, with such tenderness, turn with anger? I couldn't take this duality and we fell out. Time goes by not without him apologizing, not without him understanding I had to do what I had to do, not without him owning up to his part in this. He called every now and then just to say hi and to invite me (sumtimes) here and there with me always declining. But I wanted him so badly that oftens after he call, I would cry sumtimes for hours. I filled his spot with me with someone else and was still void. When I got drunk (often)I wanted him even called him once and stayed on the phone with him for a couple of hours while I was in the presence of another (so unfair). I was doing the right thing, right? Staying away from him, not taking him back. We even talked about a new woman that he got, and how she thought he had money, how he'd rather be with me and how he don't want to forget us...we laughed and I was angry cause I wanted him but, I couldn't have him, cause I needed to do the right thing. Time went by and he called about an item of his I had and wanted me to drop it off if I wasn't using it, but I was and I didn't tell him I just said ok. In my mind his was going to have to come get it, I knew what would happen if he had caught me dropping off his item. I would end up in his bed, I knew what would happen if I went over and helped him set-up his computer, I would end up in his bed, cause that is where I wanted to be whole-heartedly, so I didn't go. I began thinking of him very heavily, more so than often and I didn't call, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, the days since he last called me where becoming more and more apart, ha hadn't called me in awhile, maybe he is happy with this new chick, don't want to start nuthing, it was my ego stopped me from calling. How about 2 o'clock in the morning my sons comes in the room asking where my phone was he had been texting me to tell me that, he had gotten killed, fatal accident, that was what was going around and he's trying to find out if it is true or not!!!! No one called me so it couldn't be true it angered me that someone would even play games, I got up to search for his number (I erased it out of my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to call him and his family numbers too) I called his phone, no answer, I searched and found his brothers house number that he had given me and there it was a woman answered the phone yelling "he already no about his brother, he already talked to his sister, it ain't nothing he can do about it tonight"!!!! Confirmation I was shocked, I was in shock, I was numb. I was in denial as well, I said I would wait till the morning and find out really whats going on. When I saw his sister and she came and hugged me, God I felt like I was going to die...all the blood in my body collected at my feet and it has been there every since. I still haven't seen his body, I still can't really believe this is happening. We weren't finish yet, we were going to have a beautiful make-up and another horrible break-up then we were going to be fine back together again (I had always wanted to be everywhere he was. He sent me three songs in a row and I knew it was him, sade stronger than pride, desiree gotta be, anita baker i apologize, just like that tonight I only broke down twice a shed tears through the day, but it is getting a little easier to breathe. I am so empty! I am so lost! I am so angry! I am so, very, very hurt but I am more lost as if I was the one struck. i love you with all my heart, my love and thoughts were always with you. I am missing you so that it is unbearable, the thought this thought is unbearable. I want to believe that I will see you again and some of this hurt and pain and resentment will go away....please help me, please help take some of this pain away
More Blogs by Mitzi Kay Jackson • Ramblings - Wednesday, January 12, 2011 • LOST - Saturday, September 19, 2009 • My Lates Poem - Tuesday, May 22, 2007 • Returning - Wednesday, November 15, 2006
