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Sweet Cream Ladies and a Valentine's Card 2/15/2026 7:24:34 AM
My least favorite holidays are New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. The fireworks-filled New Year celebration has terrified every dog who’s been part of my family. I should probably include Fourth of July in the mix but…at least in my current neighborhood…folks tend to shoot off the fireworks ONLY on the 4th, whereas the New Year’s war zone sound effects tend to start the “Eve” and go on for the next few nights. (And a tip: generic Benadryl works just as well as the expensive tranqs for calming pooches who are freaking out…vet approved…at least by mine!)
But back to holidays. For some reason, during my dating years, more than one boyfriend in my past decided to break up with me a week or so before Valentine’s Day. Perhaps, knowing my addiction to chocolate (preferably the really good stuff) they were too cheap to want to shell out? Whatever. The mild annoyance at not having a date for Valentine’s Day for a couple years running was nothing compared to…The Card.
The over-sized card proclaiming undying, eternal, adoring love that my (now ex) spouse gave me approximately six months before announcing the marriage was over, and I discovered in a box of memorabilia I stupidly opened a few years following the Great Split. Ouch. The good news was by then I was more angry than hurt and ready for revenge.
There’s a mug many writers own bearing the some variation of the inscription “Do not annoy the writer or they’ll put in a book and kill you.” When I saw that card I knew it was time. Annoyance didn’t half describe my feelings. But while kiling off one’s ex (albeit on paper only) might satisfy the aggrieved, I figured it probably isn’t all that joyfull an experience for readers, plus I don’t think I’ve yet written a book where I didn’t sneak in some humor. This needed to be a fun book. A blend of mystery and romance and generally nuttiness.
I think most of us have had discussions with friends regarding our status of employment (or lack thereof) where we’ve created some bizarre scenarios to make money. When one is in the performing arts, and one’s best friend is also in the arts, the ideas can get pretty outrageous, since most jobs in our field don’t come with tenure and a 401K. So…my buddy Suzan and I have had many of these conversations. We tend to go on tangents when we chat and I mentioned to her I was still ticked with the ex and was considering killing him off in a book. That did it.
We started coming up with ways and means to murder that were out of the ordinary and, yeah, even though the result wasn’t great for the murder victim, hopefully those ways and means would be funny. One of the ideas was to just hire someone to the job and it hit us both…why hire? Why not do it ourselves? Become professional hit women. Contract killers. Get paid to off the folks who’d “done” someone else wrong. Maybe throw in some blackmail and extortion as a bonus.
We needed a name. Ladies of the Night sounded like vampire hookers. That was out. I think Sunset Women Killers was a suggestion but a bit too obvious for contract killers wanted to stay under the radar and we didn’t want to limit “hits” to sunset.
I’m not sure why I thought of Sweet Cream Ladies. I always liked the song (when the Box Tops released it in the Sixties I was too young and naive to understand they weren’t singing about nice Southern women whipping up cream to pour into coffee.) At any rate, I thought it was a cool name. Just needed to add “Ltd.” to make it sound like a legit enterprise, which becomes a running joke in the novel with Bootsie and Babs (especially Babs) constantly making sure everyone includes “Limited” when saying the name.
Most of the research was in looking up odd ways people have died…the Darwin Awards book helped there, as did my imagination. For the record, no humans or animals were harmed in the process of writing Sweet Cream Ladies, Ltd.! (My ex is alive and well and living in the Northeast a good 1000 miles from me.)
I have no idea what I did with the over-sized Valentine card that spurred me to write the book. But, for the record, if you ever consider breaking up with someone…give them chocolate for the V-Day preceding the “We’re done” statement. There’s no chance of a reminder two or three years after the deed is done…and should keep you safe from any Sweet Cream Ladies (Limited) coming after you.
(Note: If you’re tempted to read Sweet Cream Ladies, Ltd., please order the version (from the link blow) with the “fireworks” cover. There’s another whole story regarding an earlier release through a small press publisher who didn’t edit. Consequently, the book got confusing since I’d made some name changes. The updated version doesn’t have the great cover and amazon hasn’t seen fit to include the original reviews…but this one HAS been updated! )
>Sweet Cream Ladies, Ltd. bit.ly/3OKxTXu
