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In Memory of Wolf 1/28/2009 4:51:01 PM
Some thoughts about the passing of my late boyfriend's brother, Steve (AKA Wolf) Last night, when browsing myspace, I found out that Dave's brother Steve, AKA Wolf, had passed away last Saturday. (For those who don't know, Dave was my boyfriend back when I lived in California.)
It surprised me how hard I cried. It surprised me, really, that I cried at all.
My first thoughts of Steve are not happy ones. Steve was an alcoholic and addict who, more often than not, made Dave's life worse. He was homeless most of the time and would randomly show up in Dave's life, trying to manipulate his way into a place to stay. Dave would give in for a little while. They both would engage in drunken insanity. When Dave came to his senses and had had enough, he would have to try to find a way to get Wolf to leave. He couldn't call the cops because Wolf would consider that the ultimate betrayal. So the only thing to do was to out-crazy him.
Fun times. Not.
But then, thinking about Steve a little more, I remembered some nicer things. Dave always called me Professor. Steve would call me, "Professori" in a fake Italian accent. During that one summer where he was mainly sober, the first time I met him, he and Dave took turns making me dinner and we all went to the beach together.
I always judged Wolf more harshly than I did Dave. Dave was an addict/alcoholic too; he died in 2006 of a drug-induced heart attack after a week-long drinking binge. But he had more moments of sanity than Wolf did. I also knew the real him much better... when he was sober, he was such a helpful, kind person... he was thoughtful and introspective, with a huge practical joker streak... he was sensitive, he was spiritual, he wanted a world where everyone could succeed.
Drunk, of course, he could be a real asshole... but I was able to forgive him a lot more than I should have because of who he really was.
I don't think I really knew who Wolf was. He was mainly drunk or high, and at such times he'd be paranoid and irritable. He caused himself and other people trouble by being selfish. He was highly intelligent but didn't use that intelligence very well.
I think, though, I might have gotten a glimpse of his real self that first summer... just for a minute... I'm honored for that brief time where he was a decent human being who wanted to look after his brother and his brother's girlfriend.
I hope he and Dave are both at peace now... I hope their souls are more at peace with each other up in Heaven than they ever were on Earth.
