Kit Kingdom, click
here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.
Blogs by Kit Kingdom
The Post Game Pre(tend that football season isn't over - which brings us to what we have here) 2/7/2015 11:00:12 AM
The horrors of Valentines Day facing the American male Valentine's Day; the day created by corporations and ruled by women and named for the notorious pimp Saint Valentine is almost upon us once again, which means simply this - run for your wallets, guys, because it’s time to buy some love, just not as easily and cheaply and enjoyably as though from a hooker.
Flowers and candy and cards with cuddly creatures on them that say such nonsense as I Wuv U are just the tip of the iceberg that the girl you love will transform into should you fail to romance her to her satisfaction. Jewelry’s a good start! Think gold and diamonds - whether or not they come with two balls and a chain attached women have an inbred almost need for these, just as though they were made of very expensive chocolate.
Than there’s dinner to be considered; if you process the culinary skills (which means more than just the ability to nuke hot pockets and pizza bites) you might want to prepare a nice candle lit dinner at home - otherwise it’s off to a restaurant with you, and not just any restaurant either, no sir, but one without a drive through, where you have to go inside and sit down and pay restaurant without a drive through prices and tip to boot - the kind of joint where you have to put on a tie in order to even look at a table and they serve only the best cuts of prime beef and have a wine list that’s not a part of their elusive dollar menu.
All forms of communication are of great importance on this day.
Write her a love letter or a poem.
Roses are red, violets are blue, but stick with the roses, look at the price tag, fool. . . .
Ode to a girl w/ no taste
How lovely it is to watch you eat paste
Divinely sweet is the spray of your mace
How precious it is to have your fingernails tear into the flesh of my face
Please don’t hit me with that blue violet holding vase - they were out of the long stem blood red roses, I swear -
Don’t forget to sweet talk her. Keep it simple: Yes, dear, No, dear, Of course, like always, you’re right, dear, I’m sorry, dear, I wuv U, and bear close watch for any emotional cues she might or might not (she will claim to have later when it’s too late for you) throw your way. Be afraid, be very afraid!
If you seek to remove lingerie from her at the end of the night in an attempt to get something out of the deal, first you’ll need to put it on her by letting her purchase it on your dime, and second you’ll need to take her some place nice and not cheap before the unwrapping process can begin.
Remember now, this is much better than renting a lady of the evening and for a one time fee taking her to the nearest alley and doing what you please with her and having that be that.
Gentlemen, start your credit cards. And let’s be careful out there.
