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Blogs by Kit Kingdom
G.P.S.(Goddamn Piece of Shit) 8/8/2015 12:57:34 PM
A look at the joys of dealing with the G.P.S.
For those few of you who aren’t huge fans of driving around hopelessly lost, as I will undoubtedly be doing next weekend on the road to my vacation in wherever I ultimately find myself, the GPS is intended to eliminate this hassle, and often it does.
And then there are the other times. . . .
The times when it directs you to roads that don’t exist or aren’t where they’re supposed to be for example, or the times when it tells you that an address doesn’t exist when you know cold that it does.
‘Take the road on the left in 100 feet where clearly there is only a lake and. . . Recalculating. . . 800 feet back take the road on the left. Recalculating. Turn around in 500 feet and. . . Recalculating. Drive 1300 feet and take the road on the right.’
Or the times when it doesn’t update on road construction and keeps sending you to roads which you can’t access, and you find yourself (in your dreams) going round and around to nowhere, only round and around again, without merciful end.
Can anyone say recalculating?
And speaking of going round and around to nowhere with the GPS, don’t you love going into parking lots and driving in circles just to make it say recalculating over and over and over again just like it makes you make it say that over and over and over again on the open and closed road.
Of course, you can always reprogram the GPS over and over and over again and maybe throw it out the car window a couple of times as you speed down the wrong highway in the wrong direction while it recalculates, and odds are that you might eventually gain its assistance in leading you to the right highway in the right direction, which beats by a country mile simply printing out directions off the internet, because when they send you to nowhere there ain’t no recalculating to save your sorry ass.
Once upon a time primitive man had these things made of paper that they called road maps, and folded up these documents were (give or take) a twenty pound brick that were only updated once a year. On many levels these were better and on other levels they were worse than any alterative we use today. At least with them you could see where you were headed prior to winding up there and should trouble erupt as it ALWAYS does you could attempt to figure your way out of it as apposed to being at the mercy of a digital device that hates you.
The GPS likes to lay out the shortest possible route to your destination and doesn’t take into account such things as the chicken scratch trails and poverty stricken urban streets which make up their shortest possible routes (the places which sane people drive to avoid if they don’t live there and are aware enough to do so). So be sure to say hi to the hill folk and the ghetto trash and don’t take any wooden nickels or get your ass shot, stabbed, raped, and beat to a bloody pulp. Also, try not to get married at the wrong end of a shotgun and watch your hubcaps and the automobile to which they are attached.
Enjoy!
And, should you survive the ordeal, once you’re done enjoying that, try, if you dare to play the fool, enjoying my 5 star .99 e-book WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Recalculating. . . .
WHAT’S IN A NAME is available on iPhone, iPad, iPad touch, Mac, and compatible devices.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/genre/books/id38?mt=11-Books-fiction/literature/horror
