Kit Kingdom, click
here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.
Blogs by Kit Kingdom
Door to Door Religious Salesmen 4/18/2015 8:01:32 AM
A look at the people who peddle their brand of religion door to door This is part one of my look at religion, so don’t worry if you’re not one of these (or one of the flock to which they belong) brain scrubbed clean individuals who canvas neighborhoods handing out pamphlets and maybe badly written works of pure or damn close fiction calling them Bibles or the companions thereof (matter not how far apart the two books might be on any or every idea), because I will get around to lampooning your brand of organized religious (it has to be organized, unorganized religion makes its own fanatic humor) chaos before I’m done, I promise, it just won’t be today.
Don’t be mad. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I picked them to launch this series of blog posts because they picked me to annoy first. This is what you get for bothering me when I’m trying to write.
I neither believe in nor do I support the existence of nay a religious group; as the lot of them are rooted in mind control laced soil, and I like to be able to pretend that I’m in control of my own mind.
You can spot these creepy looking sheep a mile away. If you see two neat well groomed too young to take seriously under even good conditions men in clean white dress shirts and non-offensive ties wearing nametags on your front porch, you’d better bring the shotgun and the guard dog with you when you answer the door. They travel in pairs because they’re harder to ignore that way, also the great leaders who are too important and out of shape for such field work themselves realized long ago that it’s harder to make two missionaries (I’ll bet that these fine young men really get their rocks off on that title – yeah, you’re somebody important now) fall off the face of the earth than one.
Not that anyone would ever want to harm these gentle souls who are so filled with the holy spirit and so happy to be doing the lord’s work and so blind to who their actual lord and master and what the nature of the work that they’re doing for them is.
There are many schools of thought on how to deal with these jokers, me, I’m partial to the old slamming the door in their faces play from page one of the playbook, but over the years I have dealt with them in other ways, too. Pretending not to be home isn’t a viable option as they will return. Many people turn to atheism for comfort when they find themselves in this time of need. I require a stronger moral compass myself than nothingness can readily provide and routinely call upon Satan to be my god for as long as it takes to rid myself of the pests. I start by trying to convert them to my way of thinking (beginning by showing them the upside down cross necklace that I wear for good luck and pushing away the welcome mat to reveal the pentagram that I have craved into the floorboards below it) and then when that doesn’t work invite them into my basement to discuss their ideas further. If you really want to see these little boys (who don’t know a damn thing that hasn’t been drilled into their heads, which is to say a damn thing) run, tell them that your neighbor whom you detest is having a life changing crisis and in need of spiritual guidance.
The two most common breeds of door to door cult recruiters are Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I’ll start with the latter (not to be confused with the Latter day Saints, who were mentioned first but shall be last), as they are the simplest of the two to get through. Joseph Smith really just over thought everything to the max while these guys keep it pretty basic.
Jehovah’s Witnesses spun forth like an out of control top from a Bible study group formed in the late 1870s and are real old school in the aspect that they preach that the end is near and that only through them can you be saved.
If that don’t get you on board their sinking ship, there’s more – or rather less. Members aren’t allowed to be a party to the celebration of birthdays and pagan holidays such as Christmas and Easter and, if you can believe it, Halloween (that’s a red flag, blood red, I should think). They’re not allowed to serve in the military, and they don’t believe in hellfire. How’s that for recruitment techniques? You have none of the hassles and expenses of birthdays and holidays to deal with, the legal right to close the door on any draft, and no hellfire to look forward to burning in.
They’re governed by a group of well seasoned gentlemen out of Brooklyn (uh-oh – better climb the Watchtower and Awake), who direct the church from what they call the Holy Bible, but actually the title of the book spells out the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures.
While I like the idea of having my name on buildings and signs, I don’t like having my name on their buildings and signs, and recoil in disgust a little every time I pass by one of what they call churches, and wish like anything that they would take it the hall off of them.
As for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, yeah they don’t think they’re special or nothing; this off the wall religious sect was founded on questionable ground in the early 1820s and its whole history is based on much of the same. To begin with you had this bland sort of a fellow (Joseph Smith – if that was in fact his real name – it sounds sketchy) wandering around lost in the woods who found a set of magical plates that conveniently only he could read, and from them he transcribed the book of Mormon. He proclaimed himself the one true prophet and claimed that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and John the Baptist and the Twelve Disciples and Don Shula with the starting lineup of the 1972 Dolphins repeatedly came to him in visions, and that God told him he was the son he had never had and that Jesus appointed him his step-brother and that John the Baptist legality changed his name to John the Mormon and that the Twelve Disciples made him an honorary member and that Don and the Dolphins dedicated their regular and post season to him.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t detect a trace of any possible alternative motive so far.
Now, let’s talk polygamy. This character claimed it was God’s wish that he and other Mormon men take as many wives (collect as much livestock) as they could, and boy did he ever (about forty or so), many of which were already married. How nice is that? What a guy! He further added that these wives would carry over in the service of their husbands into heaven. And Moron women enjoy the same respect and these same rights in the church today, although most (most, that is) of them these days are singular instead of plural (dumb and dumber some might say).
I don’t know, multiple wives and multiple children with each one, it’s hard not to see insane rubberstamped all over that brainstorm. If Joseph didn’t start out bat shit crazy (and remember I said if) I can’t believe that he didn’t die that way.
It looks bad. . . .
And the next thing you know; we have Mitt Romney running for President.
And that’s worse!
It goes without saying that Latter day Saints (known sometimes as LDS – yeah, LSD maybe, as in on LSD maybe I could almost buy into their truth) aren’t allowed to drink alcohol or smoke a damn thing under the sun or moon and it should come as no surprise, it certainly didn’t to me, that they consider caffeine to be the devil’s favorite drug. Shit, if the congregation were to wake-up to what’s being hammered into them, they would revolt.
You know what I would like to see; I would like to see a set of Mormon boys go head to head with a set of Jehovah’s Witnesses boys in a conversion death match. Now that would be funny.
