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Get Over It 5/16/2015 11:00:43 AM
A humorous look at advice columnists and the people who write into them. Dealing with truly stupid people can be a real challenge and sometimes it can be near impossible to avoid losing your mind while trying not to let one of them know (as if it’s possible to learn or unlearn them anything) that their mind doesn’t work, or not very damn well anyway.
Their empty eyes host clear skies with not a cloud or rational thought anywhere to be found.
Speaking of these folks leads me to today’s subject: People who write into advice columns seeking common sense advice the like of which most of the columnists (women the lot of them, of course, a cluster of know-it-all or nothing old or might as well be bats) are unable to provide.
Cain K. Abel and I agree on some things and not so much on others, such as our tastes in women, but one of the issues upon which we think alike, as mentioned in WHAT’S IN A NAME?, is this very one. He, too, knows these people to be gifted (to be nice about it, and you know my rule on that, so I’ll say that they’ve been gifted empty boxes which they can’t find their ways out of).
If you’re one of these people, I am talking about you. I could pretend that I’m only talking about the other people in this category who aren’t you, but I’m just not gonna do that, and you have my permission to just go right ahead and be offended by this if you want (and are able) to be.
Here’s a piece of advice that would work pretty well for way too many of the problems that these people write in about: Get over it.
Example:
Dear Know-it-all or nothing old or might as well be bat: While I was out walking the dog the other week my neck exploded and launched my head far into the clear blue sky (neither of which I’ve seen since). My wife says that it serves me right because I always did have my head in the clouds anyway. We’ve distributed fliers around town to give people a heads up about my head being up in case it should happen to fall down and turn up, but we haven’t had any luck yet and I’m going out of the mind that went out of me. What should I do? – Headless Harry the Headhunter
Dear Headless: Get over it! Don’t lose your head over having lost your head, just keep a cool head and get over it! It’s time that you stopped giving everybody a headache and moved ahead with your life.
You see how well that worked?
Relationship issues seem to be the number one subject of the letters that get printed, and these women ALWAYS give the same advice: Get counseling, get counseling, get counseling. You need therapy, years and years of serious therapy. Get help already, will ya!?
I have a two part question here: Why would anybody write into these ladies if they hadn’t already been reading their columns, and if they have been, how is it that they don’t know ahead of time what advice that they’re going to get from them?
Example:
Dear Know-it-all or nothing old or might as well be bat: My wife is having an affair with a horse. What should I do? – Married to a saddle tramp
Now, what do you suppose that Know-it-all is gonna tell Married to do? Shoot the horse and have him for dinner? Shoot the wife and have her for dinner? Shoot one of them and feed them to the other one of them for dinner? Or get marriage counseling?
Here’s my advice: Shoot the horse and feed him to the dog for dinner and divorce the wife and get over it!
