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The Wrong Question 5/4/2026 5:33:45 AM
Diane dragged her sleep-deprived body into the kitchen just after eight in the morning. With her hair a mess and bags under her eyes, she offered a mumbled good morning to her mother. She poured a cup of coffee, and Mom asked, “So, what’s wrong?” in that soft motherly tone.
Diane plopped into a kitchen chair and paused before starting, “You remember I told you about Mike?”
“The twenty-five-year-old electrician who just remodeled his kitchen by hand and had to show it to you on your first date?”
“Yeah, with anguish plastering Diane’s face. “At twenty-two, I might have messed up my whole life last night.”
Mom poured the last of the coffee from the pot into her mug and sat down across from her frumpy daughter. She gave a puzzled look and quizzed, “What happened, and start at the beginning.”
Wanting to tell her mother, but not knowing where to begin, she explained, “We went out last Monday since I was off. Then, he met me after work on Friday when I finished up at the restaurant. We had dinner and drinks at a little bar he frequents. Everyone knew him there. It was almost like he wanted their approval.”
“Did they give it?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, everyone liked me, and I fit right in.” She took a sip of coffee and continued, “He offered to make dinner for me last night. I met him at six, and dinner was on the table by six-thirty. He made chicken parmesan. He remembered I was lactose intolerant and made it with tofu cheese. It was excellent. I ate every bite and went back for seconds.”
“You messed things up by overeating?” Mom was trying to understand.
“No, the chicken breast came in a three-pack, and we shared the last breast. His eyes glistened, knowing I liked his cooking. I let him talk during this meal since I talked too much on our first two dates. He works for Mark’s Electrical as a journeyman. The other electricians are married with children, so he picks up nights and weekends. His face lit up when I said that was nice of him, and then, he pointed out that he makes time-and-a-half for scheduled hours. If it is an emergency call, he makes double time.”
“He sounds practical,” Mom was still trying to figure out why her daughter looked so miserable.
A small smile flashed at her approval, and the despair of the morning covered it up before she continued, “He told me his dreams of owning his own company. Mark is helping him to become a master electrician. It comes with a big pay increase and much more freedom to take on other jobs. And he even has a retirement account that he contributes $100 every week.”
“Did you downplay his accomplishments?” Mom asked with hesitation.
“No,” she shook her head, holding back the shame. “We cleaned the kitchen together as we talked about his father teaching him how to cook when he was just eight years old. He told me that his mom left them when he was five, and his dad was both mother and father to him. I threw away some garbage when I saw an empty can of whole tomatoes. He made the sauce from scratch.” Diane's eyes grew with amazement, “Mom! he really can cook! I thought it was jar sauce, but then he showed me his spice cabinet.”
“You messed up by questioning his cooking?” Mom was more confused.
“No he explained how to make the sauce from a can. After cleaning the kitchen, he told me of a movie his father liked. It had romance for the girls and a fight scene for the men. The perfect movie his dad always said.”
“What was the name of the movie?” Mom’s curiosity was peaking.
“The Quiet Man,” she remembered clearly. “After the movie, we talked about how the movie showed different social norms colliding in comedy, but it was very real. I never thought about such things before.”
“Just where did you mess up the perfect relationship?” Mom finally demanded.
“Just before the big fight scene, I felt a bubble moving through my belly. As I got up to his bathroom,” her face turned red. “I farted!”
“Oh,” then a slow pause, “Was it just a little toot?”
“It was a giant bull elephant calling for his mate in the jungle.” Diane's face turned brighter.
“Oh, dear,” Mom gasped.
“I sat in the bathroom for five minutes, and nothing else came out. Just the one loud and long bubble of torture exiting my butt. I came back to the couch, and his arm lay across the back of it. When I sat down, he brought his hand down to my shoulder and restarted the movie. He never mentioned the trumpet sound still echoing off the walls.”
A tear started rolling down her face, “What if he thinks I am a pig that farts all the time?”
Mom stared at her eldest child and watched the tears dripping down her cheeks. After letting the moment settle for a bit, Mom stated in a strong motherly tone, “You are asking the wrong question.”
Diane looked up at her mother, wondering where she was going. Mom thoughtfully, “If you are not careful, twenty-five years from now, you’ll have a man who won’t leave you alone—always grabbing you and slapping your butt when you are not paying attention. Don’t ever expect to have a peaceful bath when he is in the house. There is always something he needs to have when you're leisurely soaking in the tub so he can get a good look at you naked. If you think a shower will protect you, he sneaks in and grabs your butt to scare you. That is what should cause you to be concerned now.”
Diane looked at her mother with surprise at her cavalier answer, but mom added, “As annoying as he is, you realize that you can never leave the man because you love him more than the day you married. That should scare you more than him leaving you after four dates!” Mom exclaimed at the end.
“That sounds wonderful. Why should that scare me?” as her tears slowed.
“My father repeated singingly to my mom, ‘If you go, there will be trouble. If you stay, there will be double. I stayed with your father and at least got double the trouble. But, I also had more than double the love, fun, and life with him,” Mom gave a gentle smile to her daughter.
“The way I see it, if he leaves you for this accidental indiscretion, you are none the worse, maybe a little better off since you know what you like in a man. If he stays, all that I described might happen to you.”
Diane tilted her head slightly and questioned, “That's what I am afraid of. I am losing all that you said you have with Dad.”
“But, you don’t have that yet. It might grow into all that, but you don’t know. Your grandmother would sing a song that had the line ‘Whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see.’ You are worried about events that haven’t happened yet. Trust yourself to react properly when they play out. Just remember, if he runs from you, you have room to learn and grow. If he stays, you have to mature much faster, since you will be the more mature one in the relationship. Most men’s humor peaks at age twelve. He probably thought your fart was funny but didn’t want to say anything to upset you so early in the relationship, and so he kept quiet, not saying anything.”
“What do I do now, just wait?” Diane was feeling a little better.
“You go on with your life,” Mom said, knowing it sounded hollow. “And be prepared for either outcome of last night’s embarrassment. One time in the not-too-distant future, you’ll fart in front of him again. If he is comfortable in your relationship, he will make a joke about it to embarrass you. When that day comes, you will be trapped by your own love for him.”
Diane rinsed out her empty mug and went upstairs to dress for the day, feeling better about the situation and yet somehow more uneasy about her future.
