Big Bucks and the Boogerman is a very funny collection of short stories and well-researched articles narrated by my cartoon character Tex the Longhorn Steer. Every page is loaded with laughs!
Televangelist Ben Buck is in the middle of an angel dust fantasy flight which has taken him back in time to visit David and Solomon. He tries to teach the ancients how to exercise faith.
* * * * *
Ben got tired of bein' the butt of jokes. Boldly he said: "It's high time I practiced what I preach! All you guys are wasting your time, fighting with bows and arrows. Spears and arrows aren't a Christian way to solve conflicts! You've gotta fight spiritual enemies with spiritual weapons. Satan is the one who's pulling King Saul's strings. The devil's been making Saul chase us all over the place like a chicken with its head cut off, and right now I'm gonna teach you guys how to wage war in the invisible realm!
"Stop whining to God to save you! That's just a religious copout for spiritual laziness and unbelief! God expects US to take authority over our enemies and subdue them! Positive confession releases the Force of Faith to go forth to do battle on your behalf! Speak unto that problem and order it to go away! We're all hungry, so let's all release the Force of Faith right now to bring us our dinner! Big Macs, we command you to come to us on every wave to feed us right now!"
Ben grabbed his breadbasket and cried: "Nothing yet, but true faith is persistent! Let's ACT our faith out now! I'm travailing in birth. The thing I desire is real but it's still in the invisible realm. I am laboring to bring forth the answer to my need! Ugh! I groan in childbirth, expecting to see big juicy hamburgers emerge into the visible realm to feed us!
Food, come to us! And while we're at it, let's fight our enemies! King Saul, I confess that even now, your mule is sinking in miry clay and you can't go on chasing us! I confess that we are free to beat our bows and arrows into plowshares because the power of my faith is even now breaking yours into toothpicks!
"David," Ben added for good measure, "by the power of my words I LO-O-O-OSE you from the bondage of poverty! You are free to become the rich man God intended you to be! Follow my example and God will love you and bless you and lead you into green pastures just like He's done for me. Ben pointed at his expensive suit, which looked threadbare and rumpled from wilderness life. "If only you would dress for success and look like a child of God, you would deserve to be blessed like a child of God, and you would ATTRACT success! Never again would you suffer the curse of poverty and suffer the penalty of having to dwell in a dry and thirsty land! David, it's a sin to be poor and hungry, so repent of your lack of faith right NOW!"
More than a few of David's men got riled up. They charged Ben. Ben ran off like a ruptured duck. Rocks and dirt came flyin' Ben's way. He blacked out, then found himself lyin' on a cold marble floor. He heard a loud, scary voice: "You dare bring THAT weakling into my presence? Will you call THAT a fitting tribute to your king?"
Ben peeked up. Two scruffy-looking men in raggedy robes stood over Ben. They were so scared of that terrible voice they fell on their faces and whined: "O Lord King, we present this man to you as just we found him lying in the wilderness. We swear by the light of the moon that we did not first strip him of booty."
A guard rushed over to those two people rustlers. He grabbed one of 'em and held a bowie knife up to his throat. "You BETTER not have taken anything from him! From the looks of this poor specimen, his adornments are worth far more than he is!"
"We swear he is worth his weight in gold, and he comes with all the attachments, one of the sidewinders snivelled.
Stories Worth Wiping Your A** With
Whether you're making a deposit at the stank bank, dropping a return at the squat shop, or conducting a brown business meeting, these perfectly timed tales provide the literary fragrance your privacy deserves. F
Share
Save
