Dear Friends:

Welcome to our new subscribers, I love hearing from all of you, and I've printed your e-mail responses at the bottom of this newsletter. I welcome all suggestions for topics. To make sure your spam system doesn’t reject this newsletter, please add tina@tinatessina.com to your list of acceptable e-mail. I am not able to fill out forms online because you’re screening for spam. To unsubscribe, see below.

Remember if you don’t want the newsletter, just click the link at the bottom, and you’ll be instantly unsubscribed. If you missed the newsletter last month, the article is on my website at http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html

I’m very excited about my newest Kindle book: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs. http://tinyurl.com/k6d8qne
One reviewer wrote “This is the paddle you don’t want to be up the creek without.”

Happiness Tip: The healing power of Friendship

I have several important friends in my life who help me through all the dark and scary places, celebrate with me, grieve with me, and help me to be my best self. I couldn't wish anything better for you than a wonderful supportive group of friends.

The importance of the people you know begins at an early age. All children learn some of their behaviors from mimicking those around them. You can easily see this in young children as they play house, or play teacher, and imitate exactly the adults they know. If your family wasn’t perfect (and whose is?) you may have learned some problematic attitudes from the role models your parents and others provided you.

It also works the other way around: by being around people who are modeling the kinds of friendship you want, you can absorb healthier and more functional attitudes and behavior. Twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous know this: one of the most powerful aspects of the twelve step model of recovery is attending meetings, where members not only benefit from being rewarded for sobriety, but also by seeing how others deal with addiction and recovery. The role models in support groups can be a very beneficial in the healing process. Conversely, dysfunctional role models can set you back or slow healing.

You can put the power of role models to work to help you change many of your own behavior patterns and replace them with more healthy ways of relating with others by surrounding yourself with people who interact in healthy ways, providing positive role models for each other. A group of friends who provide healthy interaction models is a powerful influence for good.

We have all heard that “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know”. To a large extent it’s true. Once established, a group of friends can give you a social support group that’s big enough to meet all your social needs; serve as a resource for business, educational and personal connections that will enhance your life in all these areas; provide a number of role models, mentors and teachers; and surround you with a peer group who will understand and support whatever you want to accomplish.

A network of friends is a group for people who enjoy each other. It consists of people who care about you and treat you with kindness and respect, and for whom you also care and treat with the same regard. In such an environment, you can experience the new attitudes with all your senses, seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, and tasting the atmosphere as the people around you interact. You can learn how to find, choose, and establish friends of your own who will provide you with the support and encouragement you need to grow and change. The sensory experiences of being surrounded by healthy, loving, supportive friends will also support your childlike mind in maintaining healthy, new ways of thinking.

Getting together with friends you can count on, and meeting new friends or introducing your friends to each other, can build a group with whom you can share holidays, good times, bad times and information. A solid network of friends provides a cushion and a shield in life’s difficult times and someone to talk to when you need support or advice. The same network will also make the good times better by celebrating with you and congratulating you. Nothing feels as good in life as being surrounded by a trusted and trustworthy group of friends.

Once you have learned how to form a support group and keep it going, you can use it as a prototype for all your future networks. By following these steps, you can change any problematic relationships patterns and begin to develop a healthy new model which will support you in reaching new goals.

There are several groups who may already be in your life who can become your friends:

Supportive Family: There is no better support network than a large, loving family. Unfortunately, in reality, your family may be too small, too far away or too difficult to deal with. If you don’t have a large extended family, or if your family does not know how to be supportive, or if there are not enough family members who are compatible with you, you can simply choose the one or two people who are supportive and understand what you want to accomplish.

New friends: Frequently, old friends are part of our old habits,and we have to let go; and as we get older or move around, familiar friends may begin to disappear; so meeting new people and developing new friendships is a great strategy. If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while.

To begin, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities do they have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways:

* Make changes in your current relationships ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best complements your own.

*Create new friendships: Reach out to coworkers, your neighbors or church members and invite them to accompany you in a favorite activity or for coffee. As an alternative, you may want to join a discussion group focused on literature, film, or painting, or take a class in yoga, or cooking. If you spend time with people who have similar interests, you will soon create new friends. Any group activity is a great resource for new friends.

If you find that you don't have enough friends, here are some guidelines for making new ones. Of course, you can tailor these suggestions to your personal tastes.

Guidelines for Making Friends
1. Get a life: If you want to meet people with whom you have something in common, do things on a regular basis that involve others. Activities can range from taking classes, joining hobby clubs, volunteering, playing a sport or game, hiking, or any pursuit that meets regularly. The people you meet will share your interest, and you'll have something to talk about and enjoy together.

2. Find interesting, fun people: Being involved in an ongoing activity, and meeting with the same people on a regular basis gives you a chance to get to know them before you decide to pursue a more personal relationship. When you find someone you think is particularly pleasant, spend a little time talking with him or her during or after your activity. Ask questions about the project you are working on, or share experiences and advice. If you both enjoy the conversation, goes well, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can offer to meet before or after the session for coffee. From there, you can begin do more things together, until you've established a pattern of friendship.

3: Don't overlook people you know. While you're making new friends, don't forget the people you already know. Is there a favorite family member you'd like to see more often? Call him or her and suggest going for a walk, or to lunch. Are there acquaintances at work, at church, in your neighborhood, involved in your child's (or your own) school, or elsewhere with whom you could develop a friendship? Consider reaching out to them. Let these people know that you'd like to share events and activities.

Spending quality time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you follow the above steps, you'll find that it isn't as difficult as you think to make friends.

© 2016 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from:
The REAL 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs (Digital Parchment Services ASIN: B00VD94JO0 Kindle and POD Paperback. )
If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at http://tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html




Anticipating Change
Asking for What you Want
Aspects of Love
Autonomy vs Dependency
The Colors of You
Coping with Critics
Creating Connections: Draw Them In
The Family of the Heart
The Freedom of Maturity
Friends With Benefits
Give Yourself a Gift
How to Cope with the Loss of a Friend
Kindness and Happiness
Learn to See Through The Eyes of Love
Letting Go Takes Love
Life Lessons
Living Outside The Box
Make New Friends, Keep Good Friends
Mirrors and Teachers
Patterns of Change
Peace Begins at Home
To Help An Addicted Friend
True Beauty: Honor the God or Goddess in You
Turnaround Time
Turn on Your Charm
Weaving The Web
Your Bestest Friend - You
Your Primary Relationship

Let’s get connected!

Follow me on Twitter @tinatessina
"Like" my Dr. Romance Facebook Page http://www.facebook.com/DrRomanceBlog#!/DrRomanceBlog

The Dr. Romance blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/tinatessina
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/tinatessina

I'll also answer your questions at http://www.tinatessina.com

Upcoming radio shows, TV, and lectures are all posted on my website at http://www.tinatessina.com

I welcome your feedback and support, please contact me at tina@tinatessina.com.

Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX
Re: Is Dating Scary? Here’s What to Do (See this past article at http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html )
Hi, Tina, I just read your article on dating, and wanted to thank you for posting it. I've been single for 37 years since my divorce, and have been lonely ever since. Your article has made me think twice about trying it again, even if I don't feel very attractive, or that there's no one "good" out there. Adrian

I enjoyed the article very much. Marc